Team Johnson

What I Know

2011-07-23T06:55:00.002-07:00

1) Your significant other is a mirror of your self-esteem

2) Your children are your spiritual guides

3) Chronic symptoms of any kind, are the avoidance of the truth

Three

2011-06-07T16:33:00.003-07:00

This sweet little baby girl turned 3 today. I can hardly believe it. The Johnson house is officially baby-free. Bittersweet. Not a moment of her day was wasted and in true Carsyn form, she refused to nap and crashed hard tonight. The highlight had to be when the servers at Cheesecake Factory came to sing her happy birthday and she belted the tune out right along with them. We all laughed- a consistent theme when referring to Carsyn's antics.

Gosh I love this little girl. No longer a baby, she is a mirror for my insecurities. Laid-back, trusting and hopeful, she reminds me of the person I strive to be. She truly completes our family. The world is lucky to have her here and I'm beyond blessed to hear her call me Mommy........even when she does so 20 times a minute. :)

Happy Birthday Tiny Toon! You're not so tiny anymore!

Love,

Mommy

Meet Mango

2011-05-25T20:55:00.004-07:00

So, I must have been feeling a bit too ambitious when I dedicated myself to thirty straight days of posts. Lesson learned. A few years ago, I would have proclaimed my inability to follow through a failure. Today, I call it being resourceful and conserving my much needed energy.

With that being said, you must meet Mango.

Thank you Kirk for promising my child a bird. I cannot wait until you have kids.

Chloe

2011-05-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

It's late and I almost forgot to post! YIKES! So a quick post.

Ray and I got Chloe in 2002. I've never been a dog person and to be totally honest I'm still not. They stink. They shed. They lay in the middle of the floor. They bark and they poop on my lawn.

I must say though, I do love Chloe. (Ray if you're reading this try to refrain from fainting.) Obviously, so do the girls.

Six

2011-05-09T22:11:00.002-07:00

Six years ago I became a Mommy for the first time and watched as my heart walked outside my body. My 7 lb 12 ounce baby girl is now six-years-old. She is smart and funny and kind. She loves animals and nature. She wants to be a vet and save all animals from suffering. She reminds me daily to slow down and take life just as it is. She is whole and happy and embodies everything that is right with our world. I am so proud to be her mommy.

Happy Birthday Angel Girl! I love you with all my heart!

Presley and Carsyn's Corner Store

2011-05-09T21:48:00.005-07:00

Welcome to Presley and Carsyn's store. Here you will find just about anything you didn't know you needed.

Sippy cups, Netflix and Zoo Brochures.

Bubbles, fake flowers, pens, hairbands, Wii games and dolls.

Pictures of the owners themselves! This store seriously has it all!

But seriously...watch out for the crazy lady in the pull-up.

She's chase you out with a fly-swatter before you can pay.

Ugh, I love my girls. It's beyond words ;)

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T21:02:00.002-07:00

Tonight I am grateful for so much. Ray took me to the I AM documentary at The Flicks that I've been dying to see. I cried through the whole thing. Although the movie depicted everything I know at my core, it felt so good to have it being confirmed by science and brought into the world on a bigger level. The world is shifting and I know my daughters will grow up in a better world than I once thought. That feeling and inner knowing is the best Mother's Day gift of all.

The movie was also a gentle reminder that the most important things in life are not things at all. I had it wrong for so long. Ray not working for my dad and losing his job is perhaps the best event that could have happened to us. I would have laughed in your face had you told me that a year ago. I know now that life is not defined by the things we accumulate. It's defined by the little moments. It's defined by LOVE.

So today, on Mother's day, I am feeling so lucky to be called "Mommy" every single day. These are the two reasons I get to celebrate Mother's Day. They are the reasons I am alive today.

This is what I woke up to this morning. Although Presley has never called me "Mother" in her entire life, does this not just melt your heart?

False Advertising

2011-05-07T21:13:00.003-07:00

Moon dough is not "mess free"

Moon doug is not "easy to clean"

Yes, this is my post for tonight. Long day. :)

Real

2011-05-06T13:56:00.006-07:00

In Novemeber 2008, five months after giving birth to my daughter Carsyn, I stared at my once-toned but now stretch-mark ridden body in our full length mirror. My once-mistaken-for-being-fake boobs looked like empty zip lock bags at best. As I struggled to force my favorite size 5 jeans to budge past my thighs, I fell to the ground in tears.

If Heidi Klum could walk the runway at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show six weeks after giving birth, then what the hell was wrong with me? I felt flawed, angry, worthless and weak. I knew I had to fix my body. Fixing my body would fix my life. It made total sense. So I did what any woman with a savings account and a low self-esteem in the good ol’ U.S of A would do.

I went to see a plastic surgeon.

I sat timidly in his drafty office wearing nothing but a thin paper gown. I blankly stared ahead as he poked, meddled and confirmed the deepest insecurities I held about my body. He grabbed the fat around my midsection and serenely demonstrated how he would simply cut it off and throw it in the garbage. He went on to tell me how I was a perfect candidate for breast implants and how much happier I would be. He was nice, but the normalcy in his voice was painfully uncomfortable. I remember wondering how our society had come to accept this as normal. As fast as the thought entered my mind, I pushed it out. Who cares right?

At my core, I knew this wasn’t who I was. I knew plastic surgery wasn’t the answer. At the same time, I didn’t have an answer. So, I made an appointment for six weeks later. Four hours under the knife, 12,000 dollars and six weeks of recovery and I’d be perfect again. Simple. No sweat.

Two weeks before my appointment my three-year-old told me she didn’t like her curly hair. She was visibly upset and explained how much happier she would be with straight hair that didn’t get tangled. I did what any good mom would do. I told her how beautiful her hair was and the importance of loving our bodies and all the parts of ourselves. I talked to her about acceptance and self-love. I was a traitor. As I kept listening to myself talk, something inside me knew the lesson that was coming through. How do I teach my daughters to love themselves unconditionally if I cannot even do that myself? After all, is it not the law of the universe what we do not face in ourselves our children must face themselves? Was I really so disconnected from my body that I felt like boobs and a tummy tuck would fix my deep-rooted issues?

I was.

As I type this, I can say without any regrets that my body is real. Yes, I canceled my appointment and have never felt so powerful as I did in that moment. I had made a conscious decision to fix what was on the inside instead of the outside. Although it is far from perfect, I love my body and am eternally grateful for it’s resilience. Sure it’s a far cry from the women staring back from me on the cover of my Victoria’s Secret magazine, but it is mine. All mine. It provided a safe haven for my two beautiful girls and for that alone I am eternally grateful.

To be perfectly clear, this post is not to bash anyone who has had plastic surgery. For some people it is the answer. For me, it would have been an escape because my body and weight had defined my existence for far too many years.

As i look to the future for the vision and goals I have planned for WHOLE FIGURED, there is no way I could have made the impact I am going to with illusionary abs and Double D boobs.

What's most interesting is that when you really do work on the inside, you tend to be more comfortable with the outside. I'm pretty proud of the woman who stares back at me in the mirror each day. She's come a long way.

From The Mouths of Babes

2011-05-05T22:12:00.002-07:00

Presley: Mommy does Uncle Kirk have a black cat?

Me: His cat is half black Pres.

Presley: Kinda like your friend Maya?

Me: Well yeah...I guess....kinda.

Presley: Except Maya is not a cat......right?

Oh Good Lord this child is going to get me in trouble one of these days. Good thing she's cute :)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2011-05-04T15:57:00.002-07:00

That was a scream you just heard! The loudest scream ever! It was a scream coupled with spinning in circles and forcing myself not to pee my pants.

I won THE COSTA RICA CHALLENGE for my website and am going here to train with some of the top leaders in the holistic health industry!!

Pinch me.

I know this is probably a copout for a post but just know I'm so freaking excited I cannot even think straight!

Long Day......

2011-05-03T18:28:00.003-07:00

I'm taking the easy way out tonight. And it's only my third day of posting. YIKES!

I'm posting one of my favorite pictures of the girls. They are growing up so fast. Presley will be six in a week! Carsyn, my baby, will be three.

Now if you'll excuse me, Daddy fell asleep with Carsyn upstairs so I'm gonna go snuggle with my favorite almost six-year-old! :)

Sometimes I thank God.........

2011-05-02T20:06:00.005-07:00

When I was almost seven-years-old I began praying intently for a baby sister. I was going to name her Michaella Nicole. She would have blonde hair and blue eyes just like me. Although Michaella's main purpose in life was to simply be my sister, In my childlike mind, she would also fix our family and stop its impending rapture.

I remember it like it was yesterday and how I would sit patiently on top of our wooden swing set; knowing that I was 6 feet closer to God and convinced he could hear my thoughts and close-eyed whispers much clearer than if I was on the ground.

Two weeks later my mom told me she was pregnant and I could not hide my excitedment. I believed with all my heart that I caused that pregnancy (remember naive seven-year-old?) and thanked God over and over for answering my prayer.

I couldn’t wait to meet Michaella.

Fast-forward to the morning of October 25th, 1988. I remember looking at the clock.

6:37 am

I sat on the floor rubbing sleep from my eyes.. I was holding the pink ruffle

pillow from my white canopy bed when my dad walked in saying,

“It’s A Boy!”

I was pissed.

Really pissed.

As pissed as a seven-almost-eight-year-old can be.

As it turned out, Michaella Nicole was now Kirk Michael.

God had jipped me. I should have prayed on the roof.

To make a long story short, I fell in love. He became more than my baby brother. He became my baby. You see, although Kirk Michael couldn’t stop the impending rapture of our family, he did soften the fall. He always does. He always has. He has that light in him that makes you want to be around him. He makes life brighter. It's who he is.

Throughout the years, I would periodically turn him into Michaella by dressing him up in glittery dance costumes, my mother’s heels and hot pink dollar store lipstick. I could post pictures, but I won’t. That should tell you how much I love and respect him. Although, eight years apart, our hearts are close.

If you were to take all the good traits from the people in our family- the humor, kindness, sincerity, love, outgoingness, optimism, faith, hope and determination- and funnel them into one person, you’d have Kirk.

He is a good kid, or shall I say, a good man. He is wonderful uncle. My girl's adore him. Although Presley teases him like one would a childhood crush, he plays along, smiling the whole time. He is a wonderful brother and not a week goes by that I don't hear "I love you" or "I miss you Rach" from him.

And so tonight, I thank God for unanswered prayers.

Healed

2011-05-01T08:17:00.003-07:00

I'm back and feeling more blessed and connected than I have ever felt. My journey thus far has been a roller-coaster. There have been days where I've felt like I was in a really dysfunctional after-school special. Funny how now I can see the purpose behind the pain. I was telling someone the other day how right now, in this moment, I am beyond grateful for my hardships. I feel healed. Recovered. Whole.

I used to look at my eating disorder as a huge waste of 12 years of my life. I see now that it was simply a springboard to do bigger things with my life. Once healed, turning pain into gifts feels effortless. I'm putting that healed energy into my new website. www.wholefigured.com. It's time to drop labels. Skinny, fat, thin, full-figured etc. I don't care if you're a size 2 or a size 10. I want to know if you're whole and healthy. It's time for women to heal their relationship with their food choices, their weight and their bodies. It's time to evolve past the issues that keep us oppressed and confined as women. It's time to be Whole FIgured.

I'm applying for a trip to Costa Rica. Although, I'm competing against doctors and trained professionals who have been in practice for years, know I have a vision that will change the world or eating disorders forever. You can view my entry here. Please send some love into the universe for me. If I do win, I just may sneak you in my suitcase.

I've missed blogging.I promise to catch you all up on our crazy little life in the next 30 days. Yes, I am vowing to blog every day for the month of May. I can't promise you brilliance, but rather a small glimpse into the life I am so grateful for.

XO,

Rachel

I'm Alive

2011-04-18T05:32:00.003-07:00

Remember me? I used to post on this blog? Anyone? This is the longest I've went without blogging since I've started blogging! I've been busy saving the world, balancing school, work, and the two little goofballs you see above. I'm feeling super grateful for my life, my husband, my children and my existence today. While, I cannot even come close to promising you a post filled with insight and inspiration this morning, I can promise that once April is over I will be MUCH better at blogging!

Living a higher truth,

Rachel

Hole In One

2011-02-20T11:15:00.003-07:00

Please don't call CPS on me. Both girls wanted to jump on the trampoline. Mommy didn't realize that two springs had come off during the winter. I so wish I had a video instead of just pictures. For the record (CPS take note) Carsyn thought it was hilarious and begged,

"Take a picture of me Mommy."

Miss Match

2011-02-18T09:47:00.006-07:00

Presley picks out her clothes and dresses herself

Every. Single. Day.

I choose my battles and this is not one I choose to fight.

In fact, I take comfort knowing that my child has the confidence and wisdom of knowing what feels good to her.

I mean, how many adults would be willing to rock an oversized hair flower, leg warmers, polka-dot tights, glitter shoes and pink clip-in hair extensions? I'm just sayin.......

Carsyn is follwing in her footsteps.

Lord help me when they're teenagers.

A Spiritual Conspiracy

2011-02-17T08:10:00.006-07:00

A SPIRITUAL CONSPIRACY

On the surface of the world right now there is war and violence and things seem dark.

But calmly and quietly, at the same time,something else is happening underground

An inner revolution is taking place and certain individuals are being called to a higher light.

It is a silent revolution. From the inside out. From the ground up.This is a Global operation.

A Spiritual Conspiracy.

There are sleeper cells in every nation on the planet.

You won’t see us on T. V.

You won’t read about us in the newspaper

You won’t hear about us on the radio

We don’t seek any glory

We don’t wear any uniform

We come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles

Most of us work anonymously

We are quietly working behind the scenes in every country and culture of the world

Cities big and small, mountains and valleys, in farms and villages, tribes and remote islands

You could pass by one of us on the street and not even notice

We go undercover

We remain behind the scenes

It is of no concern to us who takes the final credit

But simply that the work gets done

Occasionally we spot each other in the street

We give a quiet nod and continue on our way

During the day many of us pretend we have normal jobs

But behind the false storefront at night is where the real work takes a place

Some call us the Conscious Army

We are slowly creating a new world with the power of our minds and hearts

We follow, with passion and joy

Our orders come from the Central Spiritual Intelligence

We are dropping soft, secret love bombs when no one is looking

Poems ~ Hugs ~ Music ~ Photography ~ Movies ~ Kind words ~Smiles ~ Meditation and prayer ~ Dance ~ Social activism ~ Websites

Blogs ~ Random acts of kindness…

We each express ourselves in our own unique ways

with our own unique gifts and talents

Be the change you want to see in the world

That is the motto that fills our hearts

We know it is the only way real transformation takes place

We know that quietly and humbly we have the power of all the oceans combined

Our work is slow and meticulous

Like the formation of mountains

It is not even visible at first glance

And yet with it entire tectonic platesshall be moved in the centuries to come

Love is the new religion of the 21st century

You don’t have to be a highly educated person

Or have any exceptional knowledge to understand it

It comes from the intelligence of the heart

Embedded in the timeless evolutionary pulse of all human beings

Be the change you want to see in the world

Nobody else can do it for you

We are now recruiting

Perhaps you will join us.

Or already have.

All are welcome.

The door is open

~ author unknown

DJ's Pantry

2011-01-30T07:00:00.003-07:00

When my father-in-law passed away last August, I felt lost. I struggled to find words that would bring comfort and failed miserably because let’s face it; there are no words that can bring comfort at a time like that. I was in an odd space of being full of sadness yet there was a force inside me pushing me to get involved and step outside myself and what I thought I knew.

I’ve always felt a connection to the underdog in life- in particular to those without homes. Thankfully when I was younger, my mom knew and honored this truth about me. In high school, when I befriended a little old man named Malcom who had next to nothing, my mom offered to bring him up to our house. He ate Thanksgiving dinner with us and we kept in touch for years.

Even as a young girl, I clearly saw the inconsistencies and injustices surrounding our world. I wondered why more wasn’t being done. When Dennis passed away, that vision came back- and stronger than ever. I knew I was supposed to take the valuable lesson my father-in-law DJ had given to the world and turn them into something physically tangible. My vision was- and still is- bigger than me.

Enter Denie. Although she had been doing a Saturday dinner for a few years, she too had a vision bigger than herself. Her vision of expanding and transforming the way the world views our friends on the streets fit together with mine like a missing puzzle piece. In late 2010 and by the grace of God, DJ’s Pantry was born.

We are not just a pantry or a Saturday dinner downtown. What we are striving to BE is part of the awakening that needs to take place in this world. Awakening means letting go of attitudes and beliefs that cannot exist in a unconditional love – fear, anger, hate, judgment, resentment, condemnation, shame, worthlessness, in fact any attitudes that are not loving – because in that state there is only Love.

It’s so funny when some of our friends on the street will thank me for what we’ve done when in reality they are the ones who are giving to us. They have given me more insight into the beauty of the human spirit than I could have ever thought possible. The biggest thing I've learned is don't judge a book by it's cover because you may be missing out on an incredible and life-changing story.

Emma- One of our youngest friends at the dinner on Saturday.

Her and my youngest are 3 weeks apart in age.

Donations
No age requirement to help!

Just a big heart and desire to help :) Me and Kevin. I'm holding the crystals he gave me.
So special!!
Jesse and I have so much in common! We even have the same taste in socks! Kevin and Jenna
Denie's dog Ginger knows where to go when she's hungry.
Right over to my kids
The Pantry
Small now, but every great vision starts small

DJ's Pantry

Honoring My Father-In-Law

When the weather is good we do our dinner in the park

Me, James and Denie

Me and Jesse at the memorial for all our friends on the streets who have died in 2010

A candle was lit for each of our friends who has passed away.

It shouldn't have to be this way.....

~♥ "We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment but it is transient. It is little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring lightheartedness and love we will create abundance and joy for each other & then this moment will have been worthwhile~ ♥ Deepak Chopra ~

Just Because

2011-01-24T14:29:00.007-07:00

Carsyn tried so hard to make the "I Love You" hand sign :)

If you can't figure it out, do what you know!

And do it with a smile.

Our Past Month....In Pictures

2011-01-16T08:54:00.007-07:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I say, picture-only-blog-posts-save-a-hell-of-a-lot-of-time-when-you-are-super-busy-but-have-so-much-you-want-to-say :)

I'm Starting Medical School.

2011-01-10T08:32:00.005-07:00

O.K., not really, but I do start school today. Although the time commitment will not be nearly as crazy as med school, we were asked to take it as seriously as if it were. I was nervous at first to tell people what I was doing; not because I was unsure, but because I was worried about what others would think. Holistic health and medicine is not the norm (yet) and because of the media, the government and the food industries, it is often shunned. Once you take off your blinders, you will see this is more than just a school; it's a movement. America, as a whole is sick, and it's time to wake up. Holistic Health is my calling, my passion, and the future of our planet if we allow it to take shape.

Next year I will be a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner. I will play a crucial role in improving the health and happiness of Americans. The fact that I can play a part in helping people transform their lives gives me chills. Our first assignment is to let our friends and family know our mission for this upcoming school year, set our goals, and request support.

With that being said, I am going to be busy. With Ray launching an already successful new business, two kids, the pantry, and work, life is going to be a little crazy. We may not talk as much or text as much, but please know it's not personal. I'm happier than I've ever been because I know I'm on the right path. My path. Below is my mission and goals for this year. Thanks to everyone for supporting me and believing in me. Mostly, thank you to my wonderful husband for your patience and genuine understanding that my life's calling is bigger than me. 2011 is our year!

This year, while in school, I will learn how to address my coffee and sugar cravings and will experiment with cooking more whole food meals for myself and my family. By gaining more personal insight and educating myself on holistic health and wellness, I will start a website and lead workshops designed to counsel and mentor women struggling with body image and disordered eating. Through my Wholesome Kids Blog, I will also be a role model and authority for other parents who are confused by all the misinformation on the market in regards to their children’s health and wellness. I also plan to start seeing clients 2-3 nights a week. Once Carsyn starts pre-school in the fall, I will commit to taking clients whenever possible during the week and acquire part-time contract work at a local yoga studio. By the end of this year, Ron will get the final approval and plans will be in place to open a Kathara Healing Center. This is where I will couple my health counseling practice with energy healing and will be a key component in transforming many lives!

One Of Those Days

2010-12-16T09:34:00.006-07:00

Every mom has days where they question their sanity and parenting abilities.

The feeling of defeat overcomes you and the negative thoughts embed themselves.

Are you cut out for this?

Are you screwing them up for life?

Would they be better off in daycare?

How are you supposed to balance school, entrepenuership, motherhood, the gym and a non-profit organization when you can't even keep your own house clean?

If you haven't had one of those days you are either:

A) Lying

B) Heavily Medicated

Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was ready to call Child Protective Services on myself just so I could have a break. I don't smoke and rarely drink, but last night both seemed like a marvelous idea. With Ray in Seattle for more training, I was going on day four; fighting a cold and running on fumes and coffee. The previous day I had managed to get the house mostly clean. I even did windows....which I don't usually do. I vacuumed and cleaned the playroom. I finished laundry and did the kitchen floor. I was feeling accomplished. Fast forward to the following day. I swear to God cleaning a house with kids is like trying to shovel the driveway in the middle of a blizzard.

Pointless.

Screw Crayola Window Markers.

We just use yogurt.

Whew! Felt good to vent. I'm better today but I was completely overwhelmed yesterday. That is a horribly uncomfortable feeling for me because it leads to feeling like I'm not enough; like I could always do more. Like I need 10 more hours in the day to accomplish all the things I have on my plate.

I'm glad I can snap out of those feelings quicker than ever. Once the girls were in bed I went through a small box of baby pictures and drawings that reminded me of their innocence. I look through it when I'm frustrated and wore out. I know that although some days I feel like I'm in the trenches of parenthood, they are growing so fast and it won't be like this forever. And trust me, if there are yogurt covered handprints on my windows in ten years, we've officially got problems.

How To Make A New Friend

2010-12-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Carsyn made a new friend at gymnastics tonight.
Her name as Kylie and she’s four-years old.

Kylie: What’s your name?

Carsyn: My name’s Joe. Who you?

Kylie: My name’s Kylie.

Carsyn: I poop in the bathtub.

Kylie: That’s OK. I did that once too.

Carsyn: I poop in the bathtub

Me: Carsyn, that’s enough. Kylie knows.

Kylie: Yeah….I know. You said that already.

Carsyn: I poop in the bathtub. I wear diapers

Kylie: I don’t. I’m four

Carsyn: I wear Dora panties.

Kylie: I peed my pants at school one day.

Carsyn: I poop in the bathtub.

Me: OK Carsyn. Kylie knows and that’s not the best way to make new friends honey.

Carsyn: But I poop in the bathtub Mommy. And I wear Dora panties.

Santa All Day Long

2010-12-13T14:06:00.010-07:00

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. See? Here's me giving Santa the middle finger. OK, not really, but I had to laugh wondering if maybe this picture does expose a visible Freudian slip on my true Christmas feelings.

My kids do love Santa though! Carsyn asks to see him every single day. Really. We've been to the mall three times and take advantage of every Santa sighting in town. (See, I'm not a total scrooge!)

The Country Club.

The mall.
Needless to say, I was pretty impressed when Presley
learned to use the timer on my camera and the girls
started pretending Santa was at our house.
That means they can get their picture taken with him...all day.....every day.

New Beginnings

2010-12-08T14:59:00.003-07:00

My life is going about five different directions right now, but that's OK....I like it. It's all exciting stuff that I had no idea I'd be doing a year ago. This year of upheaval and change seems to have loosened its grip and the tingle of crisis and confusion has dissipated. I've leaned on internal resources more than ever; resources I didn't know I had.

I go back to school January 10th. I'm beyond excited. I've also started a new blog focusing on one of my passions. You can see it here. It's a work in progress and I only have three followers right now, but hey, everyone starts somewhere :) Follow me? Please?

Short and sweet today. This year is almost over. I turn 30 in a few weeks. The end of my twenties. The end of 2010. The beauty of endings is that they almost always signify new beginnings.

Snow Days

2010-12-02T13:12:00.006-07:00

All the schools in Boise were closed yesterday because of the snow. There was roughly six inches on the ground when the announcement was made. The news made it sound like the most dramatic storm that had ever hit Idaho. I had to laugh because growing up in Montana we never got one snow day despite feet of snow. In fact, if you could open the front door, your ass was going to school.

So with Ray at a training in sunny Arizona for a week, the girls and I had a day in the snow. There was no school, no commitments and no television (the receiver was so full of snow it wouldn't turn on). We went sledding, drank unhealthy amounts of hot cocoa, built a snowwoman, and basically just had a really great day. I felt like a kid again.

You can tell this kid was born in Montana.

She did not want to come inside!

I promise she had a hat on.

See? Her hat was way too big but she refused to wear a different one.

Ahhhhh see how the choices we make affect our lives?

Remember hearing adults say, when I was your age we would walk to school with snow up to our knees? Well, when you're that little, 5-6 inches of snow will come up to your knees!

Our snow princess. Yes that's a crown! And she's carrying a purse :)

Today's Truth

2010-11-30T06:11:00.001-07:00

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

Behind The Cardboard Sign

2010-11-24T05:42:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was freezing. Literally. Our heater never stopped running and I still couldn't get warm. The girls were ecstatic to play in the snow. Of course we let them, but even with only their little eyes poking out and bundled up to the point of hardly being able to walk, it was still cold. It's the kind of cold that freezes your jeans and makes it hard to breathe. Today is supposed to be worse.

Since getting involved with the homeless community, the snow and cold has brought me to tears. I sat and cried with Denie on the phone last night. We both know more needs to be done, but feel completely helpless. Shelters are overflowing and many of our homeless friends are being turned away with nowhere to go. They are huddling in alleys, climbing into dumpsters and doing anything they can to stay warm.

We, as a society, are turning a blind eye to the homeless population because we "think" we know them. We give them labels before compassion, pass judgment before love and show ignorance over understanding. My heart breaks for our friends on the street because I know many of them now. I know their stories and their struggles. I see their beauty and their spirit. They are no different than you and me. They are human beings and it's time we all see the soul behind the handmade cardboard sign. It's time to wake up and realize we are all ONE on this journey. We're all connected. Just like any sports team or successful business, we are only as strong as our weakest players; and if that's the case, we have a lot of work to do.

“A human being is part of the whole, called by us “ the universe,” limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a prison,restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons close to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from our prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all humanity and the whole of nature in its beauty.” Albert Einstein

Best Of Both Worlds?

2010-11-19T13:20:00.006-07:00

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I understand this quote because it oozes truth for me. In fact, when I read it this morning, I got chills. Money is constant in my life. This past weekend it took the form of limos, butlers, lobster dinners, bottomless drinks, 4,000 square ft suites with private pools and one-hundred dollar bills thrown around like play money. It made me sick and sad and inappropriately excited. I was depthless all weekend; a horrible tragedy if you consider that insight and depth are at the core of my being.

Money is a mask for me, and not always a healthy one. I am still working to made the transition back into “this” life. I feel like two different people sometimes. My soul is here, but my ego is having a hayday somewhere in la-la land. Having the best of both worlds is not an option because the worlds are much too conflicting. They go together like oil and water. The dynamics extend beyond material.

You see, money has always been around me; even if not directly in my bank account, it’s still there. It’s a love-hate relationship and lately it’s got me in a chokehold. Growing up in a wealthy family helped define me. In some ways, my dad’s money still defines me. It definitely defines my relationship with him. It's how he shows love. I'd be lying if i said it his money didn't make me feel loved, safe and secure. It’s not something I’m proud of. Oddly enough, I’m not sure I’d change it either. That’s the chokehold part I was talking about.

My dear friend Maya was blown away by the weekend excursions. Although we've been solid friends for four years now, she had no idea who my dad was. She gave me the best compliment anyone could give me by acknowledging my love of humanity and down-to-earth attitude despite the showcase of luxuries that were erroneously being presented as my own personal reality

The life I live in Boise is a modest one because that is what I want for my girls. I clip coupons and budget. Despite designer purses, I carry around a $5 reusable cotton tote from Trader Joe’s because that is what feels good to me. I’m a hippie-at-heart. I don't drink because I get up at 5 am to meditate, stretch and start my day. I live in flip flops, torn jeans and ponytails. I shop at Walmart. I do volunteer work and yearn to make a different in the world. The only reason I want a sickening amount of money would be so I could help people. Still, despite knowing all these things about myself, the weekend got me questioning, “Who in the hell am I?”

As much as I wish I could tie up all the loose ends and give a heartfelt inspiring answer that would make everyone proud, I can’t. The best I can say is right now, in this moment, I am the girl searching for myself in a world that is constantly trying to make me something else. Here’s to trusting the outcome will be my greatest accomplishment.

Loose Threads

2010-11-17T07:37:00.004-07:00

I remember being a little girl and pulling on a loose thread that was sticking out from my sweater. My mom had told me to tuck the treads back inside the sweater and leave them alone. I didn’t listen and the more I pulled, the more apparent the imperfection became. The seams came apart. The thread was unending and I ruined the sweater.

Everyone has loose threads in their lives. You know- the seemingly minuscule pieces of life that prove to be continuous but not always obvious. They can be relationships, insecurities or emotional baggage. They can unravel at any given time. Mine seem to unravel all at once.

Maybe because I am sick of tucking them back in.

Maybe because I’m tired of pretending they're invisible.

Part of me feels like my life is just a sweater full of loose threads. Because of this, I've never been the type who glides through life effortlessly. I fall down. I fail. I get stuck. I am not the best at keeping my head held high during change. I panic. I'm defeatable most days, but I push through.

My path has always felt more solitary; offbeat if you will. There is this odd disconnect between me and the world. Lately I've come to not only accept, but respect that. I can't make everyone happy. I can't be something I'm not. The best I can do is trust my heart and have faith that everything will unravel the way it's meant to.

Work With It.......

2010-11-03T12:52:00.005-07:00

Presley is picky when it comes to her clothes.

She has a few rules we all remember to follow:

1) No pants because they're for boys

2) No blue (unless it has sparkles) because blue is a boy color

When she got an invitation to a Boise State Blue and Orange party, I knew we were in trouble. I looked all over this town for a girl's Boise State dress with no luck. So, I made one. Well, I kinda made one. I found a blue BSU women's shirt (with sparkles of course), a blue cloth headband for a belt, and some orange ribbon for her hair. Not too shabby ay? Pres was happy and that's what counts.

Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T05:59:00.011-07:00

I really enjoyed Halloween this year. The girls are at such fun ages and this was the first year Carsyn got to actually trick-or-treat. Granted she was always about five feet behind struggling to keep her wig on, but she had a blast. She wanted no help from anyone, so we patiently let "Dora" go at her own pace. The biggest challenge was keeping her out of her candy til we got home. Poor Pres was on a mission to hit all the houses she could. Surprisingly, she was extremely patient and kind to Carsyn. "Dora" cracked us up the whole night. We had to retrain her "trick-or-treat-smell-my-feet" greeting she learned from her sister.

Pres was my little can-can dancer. We sat on the bathroom floor digging through make-up together. She lit up with delight as I put on blush, lip gloss and purple eye shadow to match her costume. Her soft features never seemed so beautiful to me. Reluctant at first, she decided to give mascara a try, and giggled as it "tickled" her eyes. When we were done, I knelt beside her, holding back tears as she looked proudly into the mirror and batted her eyes. She felt so grown up. I felt so grown up. It was one of those moments where I was was overwhelmed with gratitude for my life and for my family. It was a gentle reminder of why I fight so hard to stay centered and persevere through anything life throws my way.

Here are some of the pictures from that night. It really was magical.

The girls and their pumpkins

Pres wanted a kitty pumpkin. Poor Daddy spent a good hour on that thing.

Totally worth it though right?!

Me and the girls

Dora and The Can-Can Dancer!

(Both with BSU tattoos!)

Presley wanted to see pictures of real can-can dancers on the computer. She noticed they had feathers in their hair and big flower chokers around their necks. I grabbed an old headband, a piece of string, a feather and a plastic flower and went to work. I'm not crafty and couldn't sew to save my life. I have no patience for crafts that take more than 5 minutes. I am however creative! Just give me some super glue and a few safety pins!

TA-DA!

The loot! Both kids were seriously bouncing off the walls!

I stole some after they went to bed.

It's in their best interest! Every time Carsyn grabbed a new piece of candy she would say,

"Oh Wow! These are Dora's favorite!"

The Fishing Game

2010-10-31T12:47:00.008-07:00

If you ask any of my friend's children what they do at my house,

the answer would be unanimous. THE FISHING GAME!

Why send junk to Good Will when you can send it home with the neighbor kids?
(Does Claire still have those giant trout throw pillows Amber?)
The best part is that my kids usually win treasures
(and by treasures, I mean junk) that usually belong to them already. You can almost feel the suspense! No? Carsyn thinks it's the coolest game ever!

This is the #1 reason I love the fishing game

Interviewing Carsyn

2010-10-18T05:30:00.003-07:00

Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Carsyn volunteered herself to be interviewed and plopped herself down right on my desk. Gotta love her!

1.What is something your mom always says to you?
Uhhhhh fly
2. What makes your mom happy?
Flies
3. What makes your mom sad?
Joe
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Imitates a fake laugh
5. How old is your mom? five
6. How tall is your mom?
Puts her hands up in the air and yells “Tall”
7. What is her favorite thing to do?
Watch Wiggles
8. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Mommy I made a moon!”
9. What is your mom really good at?
Nothing
10. What is your mom not so good at?
“Say ahhhhhh” (as she tries to shove a flower down my throat)
11. What is your mom's job?
I don’t know
12. What is your mom's favorite food?
Owls
13. What do you and your mom do together?
BOO!!
14. How do you know your mom loves you?
“Hug” as she gives me a hug

The Interview....Take 3

2010-10-18T05:26:00.003-07:00

I started interviewing Pres when she was 3 about this time of year. You can read her past responses here and here. Here is her interview from this year. Bless her!

1.What is something your mom always says to you?
I love you
2. What makes your mom happy?
When I give you hugs .
3. What makes your mom sad?
When I don’t listen to you
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
When I goof around.
5. How old is your mom? mmmmmmm 100
6. How tall is your mom?
Ummmm 50 foot tall
7. What is her favorite thing to do?
Go to the kitty zoo with me
8. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Ummmm be bored and dust around. (Fun stuff ay?)
9. What is your mom really good at?
The Animal Game
10. What is your mom not so good at?
Doing the fish tank
11. What is your mom's job?
Feeding people who don’t have homes...and dusting
12. What is your mom's favorite food?
Sushi
13. What do you and your mom do together?
Go to the kitty zoo,,,,,,without Carsyn
14. How do you know your mom loves you?
Go ahead and write I don’t know. Cause I don’t know…..
Actually you take me to the kitty zoo.

Dirt Cups

2010-10-12T18:47:00.006-07:00

Tomorrow is treat day and Presley wanted to make dirt cups. I'm usually the mom who cuts up apples and makes homemade yogurt dip for the kids. Ray is convinced I'm trying to make her unpopular among her classmates due to my healthy snacks. So we made dirt cups. They're made with oreos, gummy worms, chocolate pudding and whipped cream. Not super healthy, but super fun! Pres and I had a great time making them!

Oh how different this picture would be if she had a butcher knife in her hands...........

Making the "dirt"
Mommy and Pres

So proud of her dirt cups

She meticulously placed each pumpkin and worm.

It took almost twenty minutes to get them placed the way she wanted them

Not the most glamourous, but hey, the kids will love em! Ready to eat!

Coffee Shop

2010-10-09T07:02:00.005-07:00

This is our living room.

It is where our table used to be.....

and our rocking chair......

and our magazine rack.....

It's now a Halloween coffee shop.

Here is the owner. Her name is Presley and she

makes the best cup of java in town.

(We still can't get this child to wear clothes. In fact, Daddy

has recently changed her name to "Hot Foot Johnson")

This is Presley's only employee.

"His" name is Joe.

He wears dresses and diapers. He is

probably going to get fired sooner than later

because he seems to constantly piss

Presley off due to his lack of cleanliness in the coffee shop.

Plus, his English sucks.

God Bless The Dollar Store

Someone may want to call Human Services.

There's spiders and cobwebs?

And if you're hungry, we have a cornucopia of plastic pastries!

And plastic forks to devour them with.
So stop on by. We're always OPEN.

The Letter

2010-10-02T13:19:00.006-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a huge chunk of my existence had been centered around overcoming my past and forgiving my dad. Many times I felt like I have forgiven him, but the pain resurfaces. This past year I have worked through A LOT of shit. Deep-down-hidden-in-the-center-of-your-core-shit. My therapist recommended writing a letter to my dad; acknowledging the things I am grateful for. The letter- although it brought many tears-flowed easily and was quite healing. Healing, because I mean every world of it. Healing because I am no longer the victim. Healing because I feel like I've finally emerged on the other side. Transformed.

Dear Dad,

I wanted to take some time out of my busy day to thank you for all that you have done for me in my life. The obvious material possessions aside, I want to thank you for the lessons and the wisdom that are now embedded in my core. With Ray losing his dad, regret and fear have surfaced in my life. I’ve felt compelled to make peace with you; which clearly means making peace with a painful past.

Today, in this moment, I am not angry, or bitter, or sad. I am grateful and full of compassion for you because I know that life is not easy. Although I have found my way back from pain, I can empathize with how some people cannot. I understand some of your struggles because some of them are my struggles too. Although there have been days I have fought to do the moral and ethical thing, watching your struggles has made my ability to withstand those temptations much easier. Some of my most founded core values come from witnessing what I do not want to become. Although I never wish to see you in pain, I thank you for the lessons your pain has brought me.

I want to thank you for proving to me how strong women are. I am an amazingly powerful woman; in part because I was raised by an amazingly powerful woman. Had my childhood not unfolded the way it did, I’m not sure my mom would have found her voice and her incredible gifts. Thank you for proving to me that women can withstand anything and come out the other side capable, worthy and transformed. This is a gift you gave to me by first giving it to my mother. Thank you from the both of us.

Many people go through life saying, “Money cannot buy you happiness” but secretly wonder otherwise. In this materialistic world, I feel so lucky to know that truth firsthand, and with unshakable conviction. I know that although money can do some wonderful things and help a lot of people, it does not fulfill you. Thank you for showing me that.

One of my most admirable traits is my non-judgment and compassion for other people. I am grateful for my kind heart and love of others. I consistently root for the underdog because I have been the underdog. Although it is part of my spirit I was born with, I know the loneliness and fear I have felt over the years were essential in helping me develop this trait. Without all the trials and hardships in my life, I would not harbor the same sense of tenderness towards those who are struggling. Thank you.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to descend into the deepest part of my being in order to make sense of chaos. In that process, I have found my authentic self. Although being a truth-seeker comes naturally to me, I know the trauma of my past helped accelerate this desire. You gave me an incredible opportunity to grow into a powerful young woman and I am embracing that each day. Thank you.

Some people believe that each of our days is planned; divinely ordered before we were born. I however, believe we choose and participate in planning our life- the circumstances, the people, the events- in order to work through our issues and learn the lessons we need to master. I truly believe I chose you for my father and I am grateful I did. I’ve realized that although you may not have always been the father I wanted or needed, you have been my most influential teacher. Thank you.

I used to think you took away the woman I could have been. I believed I was damaged goods and nothing more than a broken little girl forced to take life head on. I know different now. I can look back on everything I have endured with great clarity and sincere gratitude. I have somehow managed to turn my pain into precious gifts. I have transformed from a victim to a survivor and I feel so blessed to be twenty-nine years old and have this type of wisdom about life. I would not harbor many of my wonderful traits without you, as much of my beauty has come from processing years of pain. Although I would never wish to repeat the heartache, I wouldn’t trade an ounce of the pain for what I’ve learned. If I could, I would grab both your hands right, and hold them in my own. With tears rolling down my face, I would say, “Thank You Dad. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

I love you,
Rachel Tahnee

A Perfect World

2010-09-30T12:32:00.007-07:00

They are growing so fast and changing so much.

Some days, when I feel like I am in the trenches of motherhood, I force myself to breathe; to slow down and forget about the laundry and the dusting and the vacuuming.

Maybe there is not as much to do as I thought. Maybe we should just be for a little while…….

When my world stops spinning I can see their world with great clarity.

A world where we are free to create and be silly.....

Where picking weeds connects

us to the earth and each other

Where rocks and trees are magnificent........

Where barely-there nail polish and dirty fingernails

don't ask to be concealed;

they actaully add beauty to the things you hold.........

And where sidewalk chalk can be the best part of your day

Yes, it's a perfect world my daughters live in,

and I need to get better at living in it with them.

Kitty Zoo

2010-09-29T06:14:00.003-07:00

Presley adores animals. All animals. Especially cats. Although Daddy is allergic, we do our best to give Presley her fix. About once a week, I take her to Simply Cats; a no-kill cat sanctuary. She will play with them for hours and is always asking for five more minutes. Seriously.

We've been going there since Pres was about 2 1/2. She calls it The Kitty Zoo thanks to my brilliant on-the-spot answer all those years ago.

"It's called the Kitty Zoo because just like at the real zoo,

you can't take them home."

Presley: "Mommy, I know why animals are so special."

Me: "Why Pres?"

Presley: "Because they love us more than humans do."

Potty Time

2010-09-22T12:49:00.002-07:00

This is Carsyn's Potty Chart. It was originally intended to be a reward system for every time she used the big girl potty. It worked with Presley so of course it would work with Carsyn too right? Wrong-O friends. Wrong-O. Welp, Carsyn decided it was fun to poop in the bathtub back in August. Every night. Without fail. She loves the reaction she gets from Presley (utter horror and complete freakout) and loves the reaction she gets from Mommy (utter horror and complete freakout). It's like she holds out all day just to make me lose my mind. She thinks it's hilarious. So now, Carsyn gets a sticker every time she doesn't poop in the tub. We cheer and congratulate and give hugs. Check out the chart. That's four nights in a row with no poop in the tub. Hey, life is good!

Jesse

2010-09-20T06:08:00.003-07:00

“This is my home”, she said with tears streaming down her sun-kissed face. She hit her chest repeatedly; passionately pointing to her heart with a firm and undeviating sense of knowing.

Her heart is her home, and her home is broken. Yet, somewhere behind the radiating pain, there is a beautiful woman so unique it hurts me. She is spiritual, funny, pretty and outgoing. She makes me smile. At her core you can see intelligence, creativity and compassion. I’m well aware, it’s a sharp contrast from the woman society has taught us to see, but it’s time to open our eyes and our hearts to those deemed unworthy of love.

Jesse calls me her little hippie chick. We connected the moment I met her. There was an unspoken understanding that took place that day. I knew I couldn’t save Jesse, but I knew I could love her. I didn’t see what society has conditioned us to see; I saw her through God’s eyes.

I understand Jesse. I’m not sure why, or how, but I do. Maybe it is because if it weren’t for certain resources like a great support system and financial help whenever needed, I could be Jesse. I am Jesse. We have all been Jesse at some point in our lives, yet we seem to forget that.

I remember the feeling of freedom in having nothing to lose; of being a warrior who needed nothing more than an addiction and a hooded sweatshirt to make my way through this cold world. I remember being a footstep away from surrendering to heartache. That now forgotten pain is what drives me most days, because I never want to go back there. I have to take the love I feel in my heart and pay it forward.

When I first got involved with the amazing Denie and her mission to feed the homeless in the park every Saturday, I mentioned to her that I felt like I could never do anything “big enough” in my self-imposed desire to change the world. She wrote me back saying, “if one heart was changed because of your kindness, that is "big enough." I see that simple truth more than ever. I see how LOVE transforms, radiates and heals.

I'm aware that I am only one person, but I'm still one person. I'm aware I can't do everything, but I can still do something. We can all do something no matter how small and insignificant it may seem. It's a matter of making that effort to find a need and fill it. There is tons to be done in this big world, and as Ann Frank so perfectly put it, "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

Jesse with the backpack of clothes and spiritual goodies I brought her.

Spirits Love Me........

2010-09-14T05:26:00.004-07:00

Since I was a little kid, I've felt energy around me. Some was good and some was bad. I actually like having the pictures to prove it. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Notice the face on the bottom right side of me. In between the babies

Close up

These next two are pictures of orbs. They are thought to be spiritual beings in spherical form. Cameras are now able to pick up more of the light spectrum than we can normally see with our naked eye. These phenomena are manifesting in different forms, but one of the most commonly seen in photographs are round glowing spheres of light called orbs.

Zoom in above the trampoline

There is even a face in this one!

Lots of Orbs in this picture. The brightest one is on the tent. Notice the geometry inside it.

I Quit........

2010-09-09T12:55:00.003-07:00

About a week ago, I set an intention to give away 29 gifts in 29 days. Well, I quit after day 1. Before you secretly judge me and send me to hell in a hand-basket; let me explain. This past week, I’ve done a lot of “great” things. I’ve made handmade cards for loved ones, brought the neighbor girl dinner, painted rocks with my kids and e-mailed friends who are struggling and in need of encouraging words. I babysat the neighbor girl so her mom could go to a job interview and set up date night for Ray and me. I let the lady with one item cut ahead of me at Costco and took the girls to Simply Cats (a no kill cat sanctuary) along with a small donation of cat food. I gathered up all my never-to-be-used-by-me-again maternity clothes for a good friend** and made a wonderful new friend named Keith (He’s 79 and the sweetest man you’ll ever see!). I’m working with a few wonderful women to start a food pantry in Boise for those without homes. I baked cookies for my family (keep in mind that I bake cookies the same way I bake BLUEBERRY MUFFIN BREAD) and put together a bag of the girls’ old clothes and toys for Good Will. I’ve prayed for guidance and strength and courage; for others and for myself. Without sounding like I’m full of myself, this is just the tip of the iceberg and I’ve done this all with PMS and a sinus infection.

I realized after day 1, that I didn’t need a challenge to take Maya to lunch or do all the little things I do for people. It’s who I am. I enjoy it. It makes me a better person. I love to give. I love to help. I love to know in my heart that I am helping to make the world a little kinder and easier for those around me. It feels good to honor this trait in myself and recognize that I really do try to help others whenever possible.

So here’s to giving consciously and often. As the Buddha so perfectly put it, “Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.”

**Indicates the mom-to-be has not yet disclosed pregnancy and I am one of a select few who know!

Maya

2010-09-06T09:07:00.002-07:00

To the naked eye, Maya and I are quite different. We come from different lifestyles, went to different high schools and had different friends and upbringings. She grew up on the south side of Billings. I grew up on the west end. We didn’t know each other then. She’s single and motherless; I’m a married mother of two. I’m about as white as they come and she’s half black and half Mexican (she calls herself a “choco taco” and says she sometimes fights herself in her sleep. Can you see why I love this girl??).

We met in 2007 through a mutual frenemy (a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy") here in Boise. We soon discovered that below our surfaces, we were the same person, oftentimes fighting the same battles and reaching for similar destinies. Our desire to help others and lightning-fast warped sense of humor secured our friendship. Today, although I don’t see her nearly as much as I would like to, she is one of my confidants. She is someone who has given me strength, so that I can give strength to myself and others.

It was so fitting that my first gift was to Maya. She’s had a rough go lately. In the past month, her brother passed away and her car blew up. Still, despite this, she smiles and perseveres. She is a woman who makes things happen for herself. Unlike so many people in the world, she is not a victim of her circumstances. Her biggest character flaw is that she gives too much of herself. I took her to lunch yesterday and we chatted for over an hour like no time had passed since we last saw each other.And as I expected, our lunch set the tone for my whole day and I was reminded of how life is a matter of perspective and good friends are a basic life necessity.

29 Gifts

2010-09-04T20:27:00.001-07:00

My dear friend Lisa—who has followed my blog since I started it—sent me a book last week. It’s called 29 Gifts How A Month Of Giving Can Change Your Life. The author, struggling with MS, is given the uncommon prescription of giving away 29 gifts in 29 days. To put it mildly, the outcome was life changing for her. The concept is that if you focus all your energy on your own pain, emotions and circumstances, you’re feeding the negative and putting all of your attention there. By giving, you are focusing on what you have to offer the world, therefore inviting abundance into your life. As she so perfectly put it; “Giving of any kind is a positive action that begins the process of change. It shifts your energy for life.” The gifts did not have to be material. They could be as small as a phone call or some spare change.

Looking at our own circumstances, we are blessed. Our life is full despite the year of setbacks. We live in a world where no matter how much we have materially, we feel lacking and in a place of scarcity. We never have enough. Instead of getting lost in this myth, what would happen if we realized we are part of something bigger and awaken to the gifts we have to offer?

I’m about to find out. I’m a pretty respectable “giver”, but can always do more and always want to do more. I have decided to take on the challenge of 29 Gifts. I’m going to document my journey on this blog. Heck, I’m gonna start tomorrow. Stay tuned!

On Your First Day Of Kindergarten........

2010-08-30T07:57:00.006-07:00

My Dearest Presley,

Today you start Kindergarten. In mommy terms that equates to letting go. I find it so ironic that my goal as a mother is to teach you to thrive in the same imperfect world where I want to hang on to your innocence for dear life. I feel like just yesterday I held you in my arms and wondered aloud about the type of child you would become. Today, I can say with all the love in the world, that you are even more than I could have ever imagined.

Your kind heart and curly blonde locks draw recognition from friends and strangers alike. I love watching you smile your bashful smile and look up towards the ceiling, unsure of how to react to the many compliments you receive regarding your inner and outer beauty. When I tell you how special you are, you simply blush and say, “I know.” I hope you always remember this simple truth and that it resides within you through even the harshest of circumstances.

This morning I let you pick out your outfit. When I told you that your shoes did not match you said, "I don't care. I don't like to match. Why do you always want me to match Mommy?" That made me think. I want your life to be easy and ridicule free. I projected this onto you and I am sorry. I'm glad you chose those shoes. Whoever made up the rule that you can't wear dresses with sneakers anyways? Please go through life not matching. It is those brave souls who change the world.

You’ve always been cautious, observant, sensitive and a child who looks before she leaps. Although Grandma may beg to differ during Mommy’s teenage years, we are quite the same this way. It’s a beautiful trait to have; just make sure it never holds you back.

Daddy and I used to wonder how children could really drown because you would never wonder into a pool. As a baby you would sit patiently on the side dipping your toes in all-the-while checking to see if Mommy was close by. We realized how easy it is for children to drown when your wild little sister was born. That being said, we love the beautiful balance you bring to each other and to the world. Always take care of each other.

You are the child who I’ve caught myself saying “Hurry up” to many times. When we go for a walk, you are always ten steps behind; picking flowers, catching ladybugs and admiring trees. Today, as I reflect on the purity of your spirit, I regret ever telling you to hurry up. It was me who should have slowed down and I am sorry. I see the lessons you are here to teach me; to teach the world. Slowing down and savoring each moment is something that Mommy struggles with, and I am thankful for your ability to see beauty in the small miracles I overlook. On our next walk, I am going to stay ten steps behind with you.

I was looking at a picture of myself at your age the other day. We had the same curly blonde hair and pale blue eyes that disappear when we smile. When I was little I never wanted to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a movie star. I wanted to be a mommy. And although sometimes I think choosing the clear cut course of a respected profession might have been easier and less exhausting, it would not have fulfilled me the way you and your sister do.

When you were born, Daddy and I decided it would be best if I stayed home with you. Did it make a difference? I don’t know. I’ll never know, but will always wonder. I can only hope through all the hard lessons, unwanted heartaches and obvious missteps in your life, you will remember that you are loved, and when you are my age, you will still hold that same innocence of knowing how special you are.

I read something when you were a baby and it has stuck with me all these years. The hardest part of sending you off to Kindergarten— or any new experience — is realizing that I must give you up to the less-than-perfect world that awaits you. This is true; and although I am reminded daily that I am a far cry from perfect, I feel like when you are with me I can somehow protect you from the mound of injustice outside our front door. If only it were that simple.

Although the mommy bear in me wants to stand outside the Kindergarten room to ensure you will never be teased or bullied or embarrassed, the logical adult knows I must let you make this journey today a solitary one. I can only hope that the love and lessons we have tried to instill in you will help sustain you today, tomorrow and always.

And so My Dear Presley, I will leave you with a few cliché, yet sacred breadcrumbs that will aide you in your journey: Help others whenever possible. If you cannot help them, at least do not hurt them. Give second chances. Look within for your own truth. It’s the only place you’ll find it. Question all that doesn’t feel right in your heart. And most importantly, remember I am always here for you; unconditionally and without question.

Have a wonderful first day at Kindergarten!

I love you with all of my heart,

Mommy

The Next Step.......

2010-08-29T13:10:00.010-07:00

I’m a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee and neighbor. I wear many hats. I am many things. That being said, I do a lot. I cook, clean, teach, listen, joke, laugh and pray. To be fair, I cry, fall, screw-up, yell at my children, have pity parties, make excuses and misjudge situations. There are days I fail and days I succeed. There are days I feel unstoppable, and days I pray for bedtime. No people, I’m not bi-polar; I’m human. And by realizing this truth, I’ve become softer in my self-judgments. I've also become softer towards others.

These last few weeks have kicked my ass. Ray has been in San Jose for the past 3 weeks with his family. I've said it before but I am so thankful he got this time with his family. I've been here in Boise doing the single mom thing and attempting to master Ray's dirty work. I’ve cleaned up dog puke (I used to put paper towels over it until Ray got home), mowed the lawn (so what if I had to ask how to get it started in a Facebook status update?!) and picked up dog poop. I’ve pulled weeds, barbecued veggie burgers, and paid storage. I’ve killed flies, taken care of the fish tank, fixed the T.V. (aka- pushed buttons until it worked again), and washed my car. All this on top of the load I usually carry and I am still alive. Despite a few justified contemplations to post my kids on Craigslist, I did not. Yet. The dogs were not so lucky. (Please contact me if you would like the link. I'm offering a "Buy None Get One Free" for the next 24 hours.)

While being a single mom for these few weeks was tough, I was far from alone. In fact, I had some pretty powerful people rally around. My best friend Jenn and her husband drove the 6 hours to San Jose to simply hug us and let us know they were there. They showed up with hugs, tears, and a bottle of tequila. (That’s why we’re best friends by the way.) And Kristi and Micah, who not only offered to watch the house, feed the dogs and do anything else we needed, they flew to San Jose to be by our side. And there was Amber, who took my girls without hesitation for 3 hours so I could regroup. Then there was Shannah, who drove to my house (halfway across town) on more than one occasion so that I could make my appointments. When I said, “I owe you”, she said, “We don’t use those words in our friendship.”

And then of course, there was my mom, who took time off work and drove 10 hours each way to spend a mere 72 hours with the girls so I could fly to Ray’s side. She made cookies and bought fly traps and cleaned my house. She unclogged the drain and watered the garden and loved my girls. Presley’s words depicted that love when she said, “I love Grandma because she does whatever I want.” I am so grateful for her presence and have the highest level of respect for that woman.

She was a single mom working and going to school full time. At the worst of times, I was a rowdy teenager fueled by anger and an absent father. The beauty of our relationship is that she was not a perfect mother, but she was a mother who was pro-active. She never gave up. She never quit learning and growing and moving forward. Not sure how but she juggled parenting with schoolwork, a job, and a messy divorce. I’ve come to realize that somewhere along her journey, and my own journey, she became this woman that I admire with all of my being. She is a woman I strive to emulate in terms of strength, resilience and grace. Just like me, she was not perfect, but she never gave up. Now I know where I get it! I don't know where I would be without her. I shutter to think.

Ray should be home in 5 hours. The girls are napping thanks to Parenting 101 known as Candy Makes Kids Do Almost Anything. The house needs vacuumed and the kitchen sink is clogged. (Thanks for leaving the extra Drano Mom!) There is oatmeal stuck in the carpet and I haven’t dusted since July……….…of 2009. I’m excited for Ray to be home. I’m excited to pee with the door closed again and resign my position of dog-poop-picker-upper. I’m excited to shower before 3:00 in the afternoon and let my hair down (literally because it has been in a ponytail for 3 weeks.) I’m ready to have our family back together. And although it’s been a hell-of-a-ride thus far, I’m ready to move forward and take the next step in life; just like my mom always did.

With that being said, I've decided to go back to school and get my Master's Degree in psychology and counseling! And although my brain feels like mush most days, I know in my heart that this is my calling. After all, this wild ride I've come to know as my life would be all for nothing, if I didn't learn my lessons and give back to those who need it most.

My Speech.......

2010-08-24T07:29:00.003-07:00

I was honored to be able to speak at Dennis' Celebration.

It was a powerful day and so full of love it was overwheming.

Below is my speech.

I’ve wrestled incessantly this past week to put into words the magnitude of Dennis’ make-up for those lucky enough to know him. I’ve written and deleted whole paragraphs on my computer and single-handedly contributed to the destruction of at least five trees. After several failed attempts, I began to question my once-had creative writing abilities. I was frustrated and had all but given into my writer’s block.

Then yesterday, I flew back to San Jose for Dennis’ tribute. I sat with Karen and Scott and thumbed through the mass of old photos that cloaked the dining room table. There were hundreds of pictures. Pictures from yearly family vacations to Hawaii and pictures of a newly-married Dennis standing in his army uniform. There were pictures of him goofing off with friends and pictures of him as a young man with Karen by his side. There were pictures of victories at the San Jose Speedway and pictures of Dennis fixing cars. There was a picture of him feeding Tanya a bottle and lovingly looking into her eyes. There was picture of him teaching Scott to ride a bike. There were pictures of him meeting his grand babies moments after their birth and pictures of him with his own father. There were pictures of him sitting at the bar with Gary and Pat (several of them actually!), a picture of him sitting on the steps with his mom and a picture of him as a young boy with his arm around his little sister Sharron. And then, I found the picture of our whole family, one month prior, ready to embark on our Caribbean cruise.

And that’s when it hit me. It was not me who was lacking in my writing ability; it was Dennis who was too profound. The lives he touched and the love he held for life and humanity cannot be embodied into anything I could write or say.

I don’t think any of us realized the impact Dennis had on the world. The weight of his genuine character is bigger than any of us knew. He gave willingly and often. As I see the dynamic turnout and all the people in this room, it is quite obvious that Dennis was a man who has taught us just as much in his passing as he did in his life here on earth. For in reality, he was an impeccable example of how to live. I personally am going to strive to be more like him- Accepting, easy-going and kind.

I will miss our witty remarks to one another. I’ll miss him giving me shit for buying jeans with holes in them and threatening to send his son up money so he can buy me some new ones. I’ll miss him threatening to order me a rare steak knowing damn well I’m a vegetarian. I’ll miss his smile, his laugh, his crazy one-liners and his distinguishing mannerisms.My comfort comes in knowing I married a man who encompasses so much of what Dennis stood for. I smile knowing his blood runs through our daughters. I feel peace when I look at the strength of the family and friends he left behind.

You see, in the midst of the tragedy, I am in awe of how this family has come together. Each day, they push forward saying, “This is what Dennis would want.” Behind the tears and the sadness and the anger and the shock there is a profound sense of strength I never knew could exist within the structure of an untimely death. I am both honored and humbled to be a part of the Johnson family.

And so I would like to propose a toast (or “Salute” as he called it) in honor of everything Dennis has taught me about life,

Work Hard
Play Hard
Give Freely and Expect Nothing in Return
Take It Easy
Allow People to Be Who They Are
Love Unconditionally
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Be Kind to Everyone You Meet

And most importantly, when life hands you lemons,

trade them in for Jack Daniels on the rocks with a splash of water.

When Presley Steals My Camera...........

2010-08-20T13:01:00.004-07:00

Should I be concerned?

Rose Colored Glasses

2010-08-19T10:05:00.006-07:00

I remember sitting bewildered with discomfort on the cold leather couch in my therapist’s office. As tears made way for more tears, I remember craving the need to explain the energy that had built up inside me. I was exhausted, depleted, and yet as my journal from that time depicts, “There is a force burning inside me that grows stronger every day. I don’t know what it is.” I was feeling more powerful than I had ever felt, yet I couldn’t harness it.

It was June 2007. I was in treatment for my eating disorder.

My counselor looked at me and asked the question, “What are you so afraid of?

As I fought off more tears, in attempts not to hyperventilate,my answer was simple,

“I’m afraid of how powerful I am.”

My therapist’s eyebrows reached towards the ceiling. She laughed and told me that was ridiculous. She mocked me. Said said it was not a valid response and to search deeper.

My body went numb.

Looking back that answer was as probably the most profound revelation I had in treatment. Those words had been submerged for twenty-six years and the release of saying out loud- what every inch of my body already knew- was bittersweet. I was not frightened of being destroyed by some evil aspect of myself. I was afraid that if I came in to the personal power I knew I had within me, not only would I feel more misunderstood, but I would have to own the truth about what I knew my responsibility was in this plane of reality.

After that day, every attempt to express my heart’s desire was misconstrued into something discernable from my childhood. My journal entries about hope, peace, kindness and love for all of humanity were attributed to a well-developed survival mechanism that allowed me to function through my childhood trauma. My therapist said I had to stop seeing the world though “rose colored glasses.” She connected my sadness associated with eating meat to my father’s love of 48 ounce steaks and his weight problems. Funny how even as a baby I would not touch the stuff. My request for spirituality books outside The Bible and The Book of Mormon were scrutinized and took more than a week to get approved. I knew this was not the place for me to get better. I also knew my eating disorder masked so much more than any “therapist” could unveil.

I’ve always been extremely intuitive, reflective and aware of my sensitivity. I had a deeper understanding of the environment around me- the energy of emotions, people’s motivations, etc. When I felt emotion, it radiated in my core. I sometimes felt like I wanted to explode. I remember knowing how my mom or dad felt before they would physically express it. I thought this was the norm. As I grew, I realized it was not and began to shut down. Because everything that transpired when I was little girl, I did not grow up in a family environment that supported this sensitivity and the beautiful balance of who I was supposed to be was significantly thrown off. My 5th and 6th grade diaries display a hate for life and wanting to die. I didn’t understand the world and my anger was intense. This was not my mom’s fault or even my dad’s. I believe we choose our parents to learn more about ourselves. If this is the case, then I chose perfectly. Indisputably perfectly.

As I approach my 30th birthday in the upcoming months and look at this year of change and loss, I am not scared by the illusion, but rather grateful for my newfound ability to go within. Sure, it may have been out of pure desperation that I made that decent, but making that initial leap of great faith takes only a subtle shift in energy. I realize it’s more important to see the simplicity and recognize my own truth than to search for meaning through external validation that does nothing but add layers of doubt to the perfection awakening within me.

My eating disorder is a perfect example of honoring this simplicity. I grew up feeling alone. Misunderstood. I had these amazing gifts and insights to share with the world, but felt frustrated in my attempts to do so. I was starving on a spiritual level. Outside of the control issues my eating disorder was a physical manifestation of this loneliness. Had I learned to not deny or discredit the part of myself that truly made me who I was, I cannot help but wonder the power I could hold right now. My mind races as I imagine the possibilities had I been able to honor my instincts and express my sensitivity for the beautiful gift that it is. Thankfully, there is still time because I know my life’s mission is bigger than me.

My greatest fear is no longer that I am too powerful. There is no such thing. We are all powerful and come fully equipped with this same perfection buried within each of us; we just forget that. That is why I know, it is the challenge of humanity to help awaken these gifts in one another, and most importantly, in our children; so that one day, they will not be wondering the power they could have held if only someone would have understood them. We must put on the rose colored glasses we have been conditioned to take off.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."— Marianne Williamson

Year Of The Tiger

2010-08-16T13:30:00.008-07:00

This post makes only 1 for August. Sad, I know. The girls and I got home Saturday. For about 2 days straight in attempts to make it home, I was running on emotion, burnt gas station coffee and 80's music. Not a bad combination, but hey, a girl needs more. My mind is still hazy and my heart is sad. That being said, this post may flow about as well as I do when it comes to change (ah-hem not very well) so cut me some slack and I promise to all of you faithful readers (yes I got your comments and e-mails) that I will be more consistent.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it's the year of the tiger which means it's a year of change. Well, call our family the eye of the tiger, because It’s been a year of change and loss. If you were to look at our plans less than a year ago, we were supposed to be living in Billings, Montana right now. Presley was supposed to be starting school at Arrowhead in two weeks. We were supposed to be in our new house with wood floors and giant walk-in closets. My mom was supposed to watch the girls while Ray and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last Saturday. Ray was supposed to have the job of a lifetime making good money and taking over a legacy started by my grandfather in 1951. Life was supposed to finally come together for us.

By March, Ray had lost his job and I had lost my mind (what little I had left). Finances dwindled and tears were shed. Fears surfaced as blind spots were exposed. For me, the ups and downs were coupled with seeking truth and a yearning to understand what this life is really all about.

I drove to Montana with the girls for a planned two-week vacation hoping to reconnect with my little brothers and close friends. Mostly, I wanted to spend time with my mom. Ray stayed home and was adamant about fixing up the house and finding something to do for work. Something had to give.

On Saturday August 7th, I was sad. All day. I sent a text to Ray saying, “I am sad to my bones. I don’t know why.” At 6:15, that sadness was pinpointed when Ray called hysterical and the only words I could make out were “Rachel, my dad’s dead.” We sobbed together as another of life’s curve balls made its way just over home plate. More change. More loss. This loss far more substantial than anything we’ve yet to experience as a couple, or in our lives. And a part of me knows, there is more to come. (Please let my intuition be wrong for once!)

Dennis-DJ-Dad-Pop-Grandpa- age, 63 is no longer with us. Our girls won’t get to know him. And in reality, he is the only grandpa they had. To say he was a good man would be an understatement. He had a heart of gold that could rival even the most faithful humanitarian. Easygoing and agreeable, his legacy will be the philanthropy he offered so freely. His life’s wisdom was displayed selflessly through his genuine goodness towards everyone he met, making him the type of man who would give you the shirt off his back; even if he hardly knew you. Spending time with him was a true lesson in how to live. His enthusiasm for life was contagious and he exhibited a genuine kindness and love that many of us could only hope to emulate. Strangers became fast friends. Friends became family. Family was his life and his greatest passion.

In the midst of the tragedy, I am in awe of how this family has come together. Each day, they push forward saying, “This is what Dennis would want.” Behind the tears and the sadness and the anger and the shock there is a profound sense of strength I never knew could exist within the structure of an untimely death. We are grateful he did not suffer. Grateful for the cruise we just went on as a family. Grateful for all he taught us about life.

And so we move forward and we watch in awe as the things that made no sense become clear. Funny how today, in this moment, I am so very thankful Ray never found a job. This has allowed him to go to California for a few weeks and be the rock that he is for his mom, grandmother, sister and family friends. God does know what he’s doing. The key is to trust this.

As far as my search for truth goes, it's been a journey. Just when you think you're "enlightened" life comes and kicks your ass. Promises are broken. Jobs fall through. People you love die. And just when you think you can't take anymore and life is so unfair, you find that strength you didn't know you had. You pull yourself up and piece together all you have to be grateful for. You persevere. You face life head on. And in the midst of all of this, you grow.

This is our last family picture together on the cruise July 15th.

How fitting, that Dennis, is right in the middle.

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - and most importantly, love is stronger than death”

Animal Lover

2010-07-24T16:56:00.003-07:00

We're back from vacation. It was amazing. Hard work at times with two little ones, but amazing. I haven't found the time or words to blog about it yet, but I will. You learn a lot about one another being away from two weeks. Part of that time involved a complete cease of cell phones and computers. I kinda liked it.

I always joke that Carsyn is my crazy child, and Presley is my kid that will have still have training wheels at age 15. I changed my mind on this trip. Presley is fearless- just in a different manner than her no holds barred-pool jumping-bungee trampolining-two-year-old little sister.

Her favorite part of the whole trip was holding the animals.

She was in heaven.

Carsyn was not too sure about this......
Pres couldn't get enough and now wants a pet snake........

or crocodile.......

Lord help us......

Spaghetti Night

2010-06-28T14:04:00.004-07:00

Hey, it totally saves time on dishes! We're so classy!

Found

2010-06-28T06:05:00.007-07:00

My poor neglected blog has taken a backseat lately. To summarize, the girls are great. Ray is great. I am great. We, as a whole, are great. I wish I could jam every ounce of amazing energy I've felt over the past week into one post, but it's much too profound. I've been driven by a passion that has ignited my soul. I've never been happier or more sure about my role in this world. I'm so grateful for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I've been through in my twenty-nine years on this earth. It's allowed me to follow a path I never knew was possible.The synchronicity occurring in my life is beyond me. I'm being guided. "Teachers" are appearing everywhere. I'm open. I am fearless and humbled. I am thankful. Most importantly, I am free.

The Most Exquisite Paradox

2010-06-09T12:57:00.003-07:00

"As soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power and control you can't have it. The minute you let it go, you'll have more than you've ever dreamed of. You'll know you're there because as you are going through it, you touch a place of intuitive validity. You are free"

Carsyn

2010-06-09T12:29:00.008-07:00

Carsyn turned 2 on Monday. I’m not sure how that happened so fast? Life happens. Babies grow. She is talking so much and quite the little character. She is fearless, opinionated, resilient, strong and loving. She can dance like nobody’s business and makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. She loves Cheerio's and Elmo and babies. She'll take sushi over mac n' cheese and could swing for hours if I let her. She loves music and baths. She loves her mama and most days is happiest right by my side.

Celebrating a 2nd birthday was truly once-in-a-lifetime for me. When Presley turned 2 on May 10th 2007, I was in treatment. It was July 1st when I got out. Every day when I look at Carsyn and marvel at her innocence, I wonder about what I missed with Presley. The new words, developing skills and bedtimes I missed touch a soft spot on my heart. I didn’t know Presley when she was Carsyn’s age. I didn’t know myself.

So as we turn another page and the girls are now 5 and 2 instead of 4 and 1, I remain thankful I know Presley today. I remain thankful I know Carsyn and was able to celebrate her birthday with her. Overall, I am thankful.

Rachel's Homemade Blueberry Bread

2010-05-24T19:22:00.004-07:00

Summer Preview

2010-05-24T05:33:00.005-07:00

Although it’s been a cold and rainy May, We’ve enjoyed the scattered days of sunshine and take full advantage of them at our house. If these pictures are only a preview than it’s going to be a great summer!

The Best Teacher

2010-05-16T11:55:00.008-07:00

I have flaws. Lots of them. These ones top my list and I'm sure just about anyone could add a few to the collection.

1) I have far more excitement for life than I do actual energy. I take on much more than I can handle at times. This will cause me to break down quite dramatically on a moment's notice. The pieces sometimes take a while to pick up. Just ask my husband.

2) I'm a pathological supporter of the underdogs in life. I take on their emotional, spiritual, physical and financial problems as my own. In the process I forget about my precious little family and how much they need the valuable resources I give away freely.

3) I am a coward in conflict and can be broken down fairly easily to see your side. I want to believe the best in you even at my own expense.

4) When my energy is scattered, I see two colors. Black and White. I can throw the grandest birthday bash of all time, but if I forgot juice boxes at the last minute and don't have a bat for the pinata, than I must have really screwed up. I'm a failure.

5) I try to control things instead of trusting the flow like I should. I am a type A personality who desperately tries to come across as a type B.

Looking at this list stings a little, but they are all traits I am working on; for myself and for the betterment of all my relationships. Which brings me to the purpose of this post.

Presley had her first ballet recital May 7th. Her dress rehearsal the night before went great. She was adorable to say the least. I was so proud. She's my bashful one, so for her to get up on stage was a huge accomplishment.

On the night of the big recital she started out great. About halfway through, a little boy took her spot. She looked him up and down and proceeded to stand there with her hands crossed almost in tears the entire rest of the song. My heart hurt for her. I felt the fear and sadness her little body was holding on to. I wanted to jump up on that stage, snatch her up and hold her until she stopped crying. And until I stopped crying. (I secretly wanted to punch that little boy in the face too but let's just keep that between us.)

Instead, I let the song end. I met her in the cafeteria like all the other parents. She was visibly upset. We assured her she did great and how brave she was to stand on stage though she didn't have a spot. We told her stories of our own self-defeating mistakes. We told her how she could do it differently next time. We told her we loved her. We were proud of her.

By the time she got to the car, she was laughing and smiling. By the time she was home she had forgotten about it. By the next morning she was ready for her 5th birthday party. We haven't talked about it since even though it still runs though my mind. Her resiliency inspired me.

As I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off the next morning with high hopes of a perfect party for Presley I was near my point of tears. I had forgotten juice boxes, lost the bag of prizes for the fishing game and the ballons were no longer floating. At that moment, my mom offered me a gentle reminder,

"You know you can learn alot from that little girl of yours. Look at her ballet performance. She was playing and laughing five minutes later."

Presley knew at the ripe age of 4 that one performance on stage did not define her. You cannot control everything in life. Things will be forgotten. Prizes will be lost. There will always be people who take your spot and throw you off. Your only option is to keep living and thrive on the positive. It was a valuable lesson for both Presley and me. This is why she is one of my greatest teachers and I know always will be.

This is her performance from the dress rehearsal because this is what she is capable of. This is who she is. Let us all remember what we are capable of, not the mistakes we've made. Click here

5

2010-05-10T05:16:00.004-07:00

This morning when Presley walks down the stairs, I will be looking in to the eyes of a five-year-old. They say age is just a number, but it's the moments etched into those five years that make five so much more than a number for me. My heart hurts this morning at the thought of how fast time goes. The blink of an eye seems to be accuarate. I'm so proud to be Presley's mom. I'm so thankful she is a part of my existence in this lifetime. I'm so happy I have today to celebrate another year of growth with her.

Happy 5th Birthday Angel Girl! I love you!

Free

2010-05-05T11:53:00.001-07:00

Deny me a father’s love as you soak in your earthly riches
Your legacy of torment is a game I cannot win
Fools’ gold turns to smoke and mirrors before me
The cycle of confusion breaks and I soften my fists
A newfound awareness awakens my strengths
Bridges burned…….
Lessons Learned……
Pages turned……..
Freedom earned……

Bathtime

2010-04-29T07:00:00.002-07:00

It feels good to laugh again. Especially when that laughter is

centered around these two crazy kids.

Understood

2010-04-28T12:57:00.007-07:00

When I was around five or six I became increasingly aware of others thoughts and feelings. I could sense pain, discomfort and fear. Especially in adults. Looking back, it was an incredibly intense feeling to have at such a young age. The reality of being able to see what another is feeling despite their actions or words sometimes left me sad and anxious. I always felt like I knew more about life than I should, still I never questioned it. Part of me figured that everyone had this ability, which made me even more cautious of my surroundings. I would see beams of lights in my bedroom at night and could see and "Feel" colors when I closed my eyes. It never scared me, because once again, I thought everyone saw these things. I've always had gut feelings that turn out to be freakishly real. I was told I was too sensitive.I know this now to be true.

I started seeing a counselor about three weeks ago in order to get through this stuff with my dad in a healthy way. No matter how much 'work' I do on my own, I end up in the same place- feeling helpless and full of anxiety. My therapist couples energy healing with psychotherapy. He is amazing. After my session yesterday, he said, "I have a book for you. I think you will really connect with it." The book is called POSITIVE ENERGY by Judith Orloff. It deals with people who are intuitive empaths.

An intuitive empath is someone who is so sensitive to the energy that others transmit that often they take in these energies. And in the process they give away their own energy causing energy drain. Often times an intuitive empath can feel what is going on inside another person both physically and emotionally. This can result in an intuitive person not really knowing what is their own emotional or physical patterns or the patterns of others. It's confusing to say the least. When I read the definition my body sighed with relief. I felt understood for the first time in a long time. Most people are not intuitive empaths, which is why I guess I've always felt crazy; like I wasn't tough enough.

I realize I have unknowingly been absorbing the energy of everything around me both good and bad. Food issues, fatigue and depression are common side effects. I struggle with all three and have for years. I feel like I found the missing part to the puzzle and the healing can really begin. I'm learning to balance vulnerability with emotional security. I'm discovering how to determine what negative energy I can shut out and what activities and people bring a positive energy to my being. I know now that positive energy and optimism is a choice and I will not settle for anything less.

Today I am thankful for so many things. I am thankful I discovered a new dimension to my humanity and am learning to use it as an asset rather than a burden. I am thankful I am making a change,

breaking a cycle, and truly doing the very best thing I can for my family. I'm taking care of me.

"To keep our faces towards change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." Helen Keller

When My Children Are Behaving Best

2010-04-21T05:09:00.003-07:00

Expect Miracles

2010-04-19T06:09:00.006-07:00

When I was 19, I was blessed with the opportunity to visit a small orphanage in a village called Alabang in the Philippines. As a special education major, I wanted to experience how the people with special needs lived. When I arrived I was at first appalled. Climb up three flights on ladders made of 2x4's, to reach the space they call home... then to imagine their living space, take all the clothes out of a closet (say one that is about 4' x 6'), make sure the temperature is 95 degrees or higher along with 90 percent humidity, and tell 4 people to sleep there. Roll out mats to sleep on, with no screens on their windows. Yet they were so happy. Infectiously happy. My heart broke right then and there as I realized they were the rich ones despite the living conditions. I remember leaving that day with tears in my eyes thinking, “How can I leave this country without doing something?” And so I did.

Once back in the states, I took action. With the help of many, a heartfelt speech and a fundraiser later, we had raised almost $13,000. Keep in mind the average income over there is only $50 a month. The land is owned by the government, the laborers provided by Mother Teresa's Sisters of Charity out of India, and the facilities and other blessings are provided by private donors. 173 volunteers, feed, train, teach, heal and care for the 632 children and adults who live at the peaceful and clean village.

We went back, we bought washing machines and a physical therapy pool. We bought diapers, medicine, a computer, vitamins, mosquito nets and a kareoke machine. Somehow we still had money left over to build a new building to provide more space. Sister Savita came with us and told us what they needed. She has a happy and gentle demeanor that supports her commitment and unshakeable faith that God provides. She shared with me an unforgettable experience when she first arrived 10 years back to head the Village. “There was no more rice for the children and my fellow nuns and I didn’t know where to get any. I went to the chapel to kneel and pray while the others went to try to make do with the little rice supply we had by making porridge for everyone in the Village. I knelt and never prayed so hard in my life for a miracle. And it happened. One of the sisters called me out of the chapel to say that someone left two sacks of rice in my office. Later that afternoon, 10 sacks were sent by another person.” Today, although the village is nothing like where you and Iive, it is a miracle.

As I look back, I remember the sense of purpose and passion I had on that trip. I am that girl who can and will help change the world. This morning I realized this is who I am and nobody- friends or family- can take that purpose and passion in life from me. Negativity does not belong in my life. That little village for the handicapped- and the only village for them in the Philippines- is special. Special because it draws people not only to give, but to keep on giving without expecting anything in return

Here are some pictures today. It is truly a special place and a miracle born out of faith and love.

This is where the children spend 95% of their day.

Sister Savita. She is truly a saint. She is from India and left her life over there to come to the Philippines and help the children.

New beds in the new building.

Plaque outside the building we had built

Sister Savita wrote me,

"We have put up covered stage in the name of Dehler family and it was blessed on february 1, 2007. The stage is very big, all the children, sisters and staff are very happy. Now all the function takes place there. it was needed and we could do because of your love and generosity. May God bless all of you."

This is what life is about............

Who Wore It Best?

2010-04-10T07:54:00.003-07:00

One Load At Time

2010-04-08T20:53:00.006-07:00

As is evident by my blog, I’ve lost myself lately. There is post after ceaseless post on the issues we have been dealing with in regards to my dad. This blog- which started as a heartfelt intent to replace the empty baby books and stacks of scattered photos- has unwillingly turned into my personal sounding board. The family posts I love to do have taken a backseat. Ray and the kids have taken a backseat. I have taken a backseat in my own life which is something I vowed would never happen again.

I’ve been reading, “The Power Of Now” which challenged me to live in the moment, be content in the present, and truly cherish what I am doing. No matter what I am doing. The goal is to shut off your mind and focus on the task-at-hand. Be You and not your mind.

I dread laundry. It is monotonous, routine and expected. I always feel like I have better things to do. I am the mother who abandons clean clothes in the dryer for up to a week and will sporadically hit the restart button, each time fully intending to fold, sort and put away said laundry once the buzzer goes off. Two nights ago when the buzzer when off (for the very first time mind you), I put my new found challenge to the test and for the first time ever I saw what was sacred in that basket of fresh-out-of-the-dryer clothes.

As I began to fold those tiny little articles of clothing, my eyes weld up with grateful tears. As I felt the warm cotton that guarded the delicate skin on the miraculous little bodies of my baby girls I had an overwhelming sense of peace. Hand-me-downs brought back vivid memories of a chubby-cheeked, curly haired giggly toddler who will turn five next month and start Kindergarten in the fall. Pajamas were brought to life by barnyard kitties and woven ladybugs. Printed glittery unicorns proclaimed the innocence of the wondrous little ladies sleeping in the room next to me. I felt more blessed in that moment than I have felt in years. The clothes I was touching were in turn caring for the ones I love. This once dreaded chore felt honest and honorable. And I was grateful- so grateful- for the opportunity to do it.

You see, in that fragment of time, I fully grasped how I have cheated myself for never being fully present in processes such as laundry, cleaning the playroom and making dinner. I have been missing out on the simple solace of being connected to the people I love the most by focusing on the past or anticipating the future. The simple pleasure of cooking my family a healthy meal, cleaning up the girls’ toys and giving them a blank slate – a clean dress or shirt or outfit to keep a diary of their days, documented in paint and grass stains and strawberry popsicles. I find pleasure in these imperfections because each tells a story I am not always around to hear.

So as they sleep, I not only fold and sort and organize, I feel and touch and give thanks for one more small way to stay in touch with two little girls who are growing up much too fast. I take comfort in connecting with their lives because it’s something I haven’t done very well lately. It’s something, at times, I haven’t done at all. And now, I’m doing it. I'm trying my best. One load at a time.

You Do The Math

2010-04-07T13:02:00.005-07:00

2 cute Easter dress +

1 crabby 4 year old who will not let her mom comb her hair or wash her face +

1 attention span lacking 1 year old=

1 mommy's tired attempt to get an Easter picture

Maybe we'll try again next year?

Dear Dad..............

2010-03-29T12:51:00.001-07:00

Reunion

2010-03-21T16:28:00.005-07:00

One month ago we were in Billings. It was nothing short of a healing experience. Reconnecting with my little brother Justin was one of the most powerful moments of my life. I’ve struggled to put the whole experience into words and perhaps that is why I have waited so long to post on his particular trip.

Justin doesn’t read my blog. He can’t. He sobs. He has tried twice to read through posts on events we experienced as young kids, and he can't even get halfway through it. He doesn’t talk about what or why or when things happened. I can understand why he is so closed.

We sat in his 2011 Hybrid Escalade and sobbed together. He opened his heart and I opened my mind- a powerful combination. It was deep and painful and the emotion was almost more than we both could handle. The escalade- a metaphor representing the life my dad had set us up to believe was reality- encased every emotion possible that night. In the end, we were connected like a brother and sister should be; not by money or jealousy, but by blood, and an unspoken respect for the other's unique yet parallel pain. A pain we both struggle to harness at times.

And of course some pics :)

My mom made cookies with the girls.

I love my mom. I don't know what I would do without her.

Carsyn is at a tough age to make cookies.

She just wants to eat the dough. Oh wait, that's me!

Presley and my mom
Some of our friends. Great people to say the least!
My better half.
Presley and Dirk (my little brother's boy)
They are 4 weeks apart!
The three cousins
Me and Justin
He really is one of my heroes
I know you will never read this, but I love you Justin. I am so
proud of the steps you are taking to become the man you want to be.

The Girls

2010-03-21T09:29:00.005-07:00

I love these ladies. Their husbands are my husband's friends. We haven't gotten together like this since Carsyn was 3 months old. We've known each other for quite some time. Some of us have waited tables together in college. I've been pregnant along side two of them. One waxes my eyebrows. One could rival Martha Stewart any day. One is a free spirit who never wants kids. One lost her mother much too young. Some of us work outside the home. We are democrat, republican and independent. Between the six of us there there is quite a cornucopia of personality traits, but somehow it works. At the moment this picture was taken we each were dealing with our own personal struggles- Family suicide, breast cancer scares, sick babies, crazy parents, birthday party planning, and quitting a job to be home with a baby that will grow up much too fast. Although our night out was a far cry from what it may have been five years ago I realized I don't see these ladies enough and I am honored they are in my life.

Thoughts Become Things

2010-03-19T11:14:00.007-07:00

This past month has been insane. We’ve had more downs than ups and more wrongs than rights. My dad closed down the Boise office of the company my husband works for. Ray is the only employee left and was forced to turn the corner of our bedroom into his office. I spend my days trying to keep the kids quiet and out of the house. My dad has threatened to lay him off out of spite. It’s ugly and selfish. My six figure trust fund has been cashed in- and not by me. My husband's airmile account (which we've been saving up for 3 years now) has been drained. My dad has tried to lean on me, make me his counselor, and split me from my husband. Through this all, I have stood strong.

About 5 days after all this happened with the Boise office, my friend Josh called with an opportunity for us. On my first attempt to bring this opportunity to Ray, I chickened out. In all honesty I was scared he would laugh at me! He hates anything like “this” but in all sincerity, “this” is different. When Josh (whom I have known for years and years!) came to me a few months ago, I showed no interest. When he came to me again (in his ninth month) he was making nearly 17 grand a month. Blown away, I asked the question, “What are you doing?” He asked for an hour of our time and skeptically my husband agreed.

The company made sense. We were not required to keep inventory, push a miracle juice, or trick people into believing something that isn’t. In under a week our lives have been altered in a welcome way. We are positioned to have an $1800 check by the end of the month and we are helping others in the process. We are doing something as a couple and capitalizing on each others’ (very different) strengths. We are one step closer to becoming our own boss and spending our free time as family. We are one step closer to freedom from my father. We are one step closer to living the dream. Our dream.

I believe in the power of positive thought. I believe when you do the right things, you get the right things back. Call it God or karma or the law of the universe. Call it what you will, but the simplicity of these beliefs seem overwhelming at times. I broke down sobbing to Ray last night because I see what is happening right before our eyes. For the first time nearly thirty years I am about to be free from the grips of my father. The emancipation of Rachel! I cannot tell you the overwhelming joy of emotion that stirs up inside me.

Our first step was to make a vision board and a “Why” list- A vision of what will be ours and a list of why we want this to work. Even Presley made a board and is in on the action. We’re a team: All for one and one for all.

Today I am grateful I know who I am. I am someone outside of Jon Dehler’s daughter. I am someone without a trust fund (Literally!). In all honesty, I am grateful for the present situation with my dad, because it is teaching me so much about myself. I am grateful for my hard working and dedicated husband and our amazing children. I am thankful we are not being pushed by our problems, but rather, led by our dreams.

This is Presley's board. She wants more art supplies, to help people all over the world, to go to the beach, a motorhome to go camping as a family, to help animals at the zoo and kitties at the pound, a boat to go tubing with her sister, lots of healthy food so we don't get sick, to catch a lot of butterflies, and to be happy.

Ray's new 'office' in the corner of our bedroom.

Those are our vision boards above this desk.

Presley made Daddy this picture. The fortune above it is one my husband got after a horrible encounter with my dad. It says, "You will be unusually successful in business." Pres and I framed these and gave them to him as a gift for his "new office."

Our vision boards
Dream big

I love this
Our Why List

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

Good Grief

2010-03-12T17:32:00.003-07:00

For many years I have fought to salvage a relationship with my father that I now know never really existed. I repeatedly attempted to breathe life into his soul, only to realize his heart had stopped when I was a young child. It’s a grieving process I’m not quite sure how to allow. I’m pissed- A feeling I don’t usually authorize to surface.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs for as long as my voice will possibly permit. It’s finally sunk in that I have been his hostage- not his daughter- for too many years. The limited moments where I felt connected to him feel concocted and forged. While he plays the victim, I fight to keep my head, and heart, above it all. He would disown me in a second for a bigger piece of the pie. It’s all a big joke, and I’m the jackass.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how the story will end or even what page we’re on. There was never a clear beginning to be honest. I do know that life is sometimes about not knowing, having to change, and taking the moment and making the best of it. And according to my theory, that’s where the personal growth comes in.

Today, I am thankful for the anger I feel. I'm thankful I have the ability to see the situation for what it is. I'm thankful I have so many good people in my life to help me distinguish the good from the bad. I'm thankful I am a adult and he cannot control me anymore.

A Cutting Board Fit For A Man

2010-03-05T15:00:00.002-07:00

When I am doing my thing in the kitchen, I have a favorite sauce pan, spatula, and coffee mug. My husband has a favorite cutting board. He uses it every time he cooks. We've had it forever. Presley, being the thoughtful and talented little girl that she is decided to draw a rocket ship for her daddy on his very favorite cutting board......with permanent marker. It's definitely more manly. No?

My Space

2010-03-03T14:06:00.007-07:00

When Lou posted a picture of her blogging area, I felt a little closer to her. I have never met her, I only know her story- or the part of the story she so openly shares with us lucky folks- but somehow it brings to life a little piece of her. If you are lucky enough to have your own space to blog, write, or do what you love at the computer I feel like it says a lot about your personality. This is where I blog..........

Family pics and pics of the girls. The angel statue is from Presley and the crystal hanging from it is from my mom. The big colorful mess? Flower pens! Presley was so intrigued by the ones at the bank we ran out and got all the stuff to make our own. The piece of white paper taped to the inside of the second shelf is a mantra I read to invoke inner peace.

The flowers are from my husband. I'm so blessed to have him by my side in this life's journey. The card reads, "Three roses for the three best girls in the world." Presley made me the paintings and the seashell ensemble signifies my love of the ocean and beach. Unfortunately, Idaho is not known for its beaches, so I have to make due with some seashells.

This is hanging on my desk cabinet knob. A gentle reminder of why I blog and why I wear my heart on my sleeve most days.

Pretty Powerful. No?

Where do you blog?

The Little Girl

2010-02-27T20:49:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time, in a land not far from here, there lived a little girl whose golden curls asserted her childlike innocence. The look in her pale blue eyes was as pure as the love in her soul. She lived with her family in a beautiful castle deemed unattainable to most. She believed in magic and unicorns, and that angels took up residence beyond the clouds. Her heart was open and her mind ran free with stereotypical childhood fantasies.

The man whom she called Daddy wanted nothing more than to be king and rule the land where the little girl lived with her mother and the little boy. The man worked and worked to achieve this dream no matter how much it diverted attention from the little girl and the woman and the little boy. Impossible promises of worldly commodities were used to lessen the burn of his growing absences.

The little girl watched as the man grew more powerful and less present. She watched as the frail woman’s eyes quivered with hollow despair. She watched as the little boy cried for the man. She watched as a new little baby boy was brought into the chaos. She watched as the castle they lived in began to crumble ever so quietly around her as the neighbors pointed and stared. The little girl began to wonder if angels really existed beyond the clouds.

Soon the man was surrounded by earthly abundance greater than the family had ever known. He lived with a careless disregard for his soul as he indulged in the many pleasure traps of his present world. He soon realized that the little girl and the woman and the little boys did not have a place in his fast-paced world of excess. His heart- once easily fulfilled by the love of the little girl and the woman and the little boys- had become encased with a burning desire to have more of the temptation that led him astray.

The man swore with fury as the woman cried and pleaded. The little girl hated how the man made the woman and the little boys feel. So out of deep rooted fear the little girl tried to protect the little boys and the woman from the man; a task much greater than the little girl was intended to take on. As her intuition told her, the man was too powerful. The fairy tale had ended and she was no longer his princess. The woman was no longer his queen.

Still through it all, the little girl smiled. Head up and heart closed, she hid the broken invention of hurt she had become. Behind the mask of assurance the little girl wept with intolerable trepidation at what the future may hold. The little girl wept for the man and the woman and the little boys. Although rare, the little girl would weep for herself. She wept until she could weep no more. And when the little girl cried her last tear she grabbed the pieces of herself that had crumbled and tirelessly attempted to reassemble what had been; A tedious trial impossible for such a little girl.

Through the years, the little girl- who was no longer a little girl- outwardly attempted to reassemble her worth. The little girl was mistreated, misused and victimized. She had her heart broken and even broke a few hearts herself. Her weight plummeted in her mission to self-destruct. The little girl was lost-never to be found- and saw no way out. With tears streaming down her face the little girl cursed the angels beyond the clouds. Like unicorns and magic, they did not exist.

Time passed and the little girl met a man- a good man- who promised to love her and cherish her. She didn’t quite understand why the man wanted her, for she was damaged and broken beyond repair .The little girl was skeptical of the man’s promises, but over time her walls fell down and she understood that this man was different. Because of the unconditional love of this new man, she was able to forgive the man she called Daddy and open her heart once again. The man asked for the little girl’s hand in marriage and she happily obliged.

More time passed the little girl stumbled and backtracked through the maze of life. She slipped and fell in her search for self, but never gave up. Accompanying the missteps, the little girl also made great strides. She reclaimed lost parts of her being and grew slowly into herself. She began to look inward instead of outward, and somehow the great pain she had experienced began to diminish. She grew stronger and stronger. She became more energetic and powerful. She spoke her truth and stood in her own light. She had found what she once thought irretrievably lost. The little girl had become a woman- a strong woman- much like the woman she called her mother.

The woman and the man had two little girls that they loved with an unwavering certainty. They smiled and laughed and loved. A lot. Their life was not perfect, but it was genuine and full. For the first time in a long time, her heart was whole. Despite the inevitable and defying the unforeseen, the woman had faith and hope that life would be gratifying and kind to her. The woman was home, in her own castle. She had two little girls that believed in magic and unicorns. And the woman believed that angels resided just beyond the clouds.

Private

2010-02-26T14:07:00.003-07:00

I have made the decision to turn my blog private starting March 1st. I have so much to say, and know I can really write from my heart if I know my audience is small and intimate. Never know who might be paparazzi right? :) That being said, if you want to keep following my blog, I would be honored, so send me your e-mail in the comment slot and i will send you an invitation. :)

Justin

2010-02-17T22:00:00.006-07:00

I love this picture. I believe it was 1984. I am holding my baby brother Justin who is four years younger than me. We've been through a lot together and probably more than most kids ever will. Most of what we endured remains unspoken between us, still the hurt that pierced both our hearts left a bond incapable of dissolving. Although we didn't talk for quite some time, he has come around and my heart is super happy about that. We're meeting in Billings this weekend. I am so excited to reconnect with him. I think it will be healing for us both.

May You Stay Forever Young

2010-02-12T22:26:00.007-07:00

"I do not have a seven. Go Fish Mommy" she said, as she tilted her head to the side and smiled at me with an innocence I wish would never go away. I stared at her, my baby girl, in her over-sized princess gown, actively attempting to hold her cards like Mommy. She will be five in May. She will start kindergarten in the fall. She will grow up; an inevitable occurence I tend to resist. That tiny screaming baby who was once completely dependent on us is now a little girl. She is funny and smart and intuitive. She is beautiful and strong and amazing. Although I tend to hold onto things that were, and wonder what's to come, I know life has great things in store for Presley, and I feel beyond blessed to be a part of her journey.

Presley Elaine Johnson

Less than a minute old

In Mommy's arms for the first time
My big girl today. For the record, she beat me in Go Fish :) 13 matches for Presley 7 matches for Mommy

"May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true. May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong. May you stay forever young."

Bob Dylan

Our Little Gymnasts

2010-02-12T13:59:00.007-07:00

Presley-isms

2010-02-06T13:47:00.010-07:00

1) In school she was told to describe our house in two words. She used long and wide. No, we do not live in a single wide trailer.

2) Carsyn was banging her cup sippy cup on the table one night. Annoyed, Presley looked at her and said, “F***ing Sis” as she swiped her cup away. Presley was three. (For the record I have no clue where she learned the F word.)

3) I was admiring drawings of what other children wanted to be when they grew up. There had aspirations to be fire fighters, astronauts, ballerinas and doctors. I believe Presley was the only child in the class whose dream was to work at Hastings. :(

4) For Halloween Pres and Carsyn were both fairies. She told her school that her daddy wears make-up, earrings, and is the prince of all the fairies.

5) When my husband splashed me with water one time, mascara ran down my face. She told people that Daddy gave Mommy two black eyes.

6) Once at the grocery store I told Presley that if we hurried, we could make it home before Daddy and surprise him. While we were in line to check out, she got a sad face. The lady behind us in line asked her what was wrong. Presley looked at her, shook her head, and said, “We need to hurry home or else my daddy is going to beat us.”

7) Pres loves animals. We started her a wildlife binder where she gets new animal cards every month. After looking through it she came across a naked mole rat. Without hesitation, she proclaimed that she had a new favorite animal. When I asked her what that was, she said, “A hairless beaver.”

These are only a handful of the many things my little monkey says that make me cringe and/or laugh out loud. Yes, my little Presley. She says the craziest things, and I am sure some day one of her innocent remarks may get us into some trouble. I am confident that CPS will show up one day. But, I kinda love this little girl. How can you not?

Money Talks

2010-02-04T13:27:00.004-07:00

When I was a little girl, my favorite show was Full House. Jesse and the Rippers anyone? I have seen every episode at least twice. Their family was simple, not perfect, but always did the right thing. Their rated G problems were something I craved in my world of chaos. I looked up to DJ Tanner and thought Uncle Joey was pretty dang funny. Sure each episode followed the same predictable course, but things always seemed to work out.

1) There was always a moral or personal issue that needed to be resolved.
2) At the end of the show, the soft heartwarming music cued as they talked and learned a lesson about doing the right thing.
3) They hugged.

On one particular episode, the family was offered triple what their house was worth by a man who had grown up there and wanted to own it once again. At first, the whole family was excited, but by the time the music was cued and the hugs were about to ensue, they realized that it was much more than a house; It was their home. In the end, they did not take the money and they lived happily ever after, er….um, for one more season anyways. When the episode aired, in 1992, I was eleven years old. To me it was common sense: Take the fricking money and get a bigger house? It’s just a house. I didn’t get it. Who does that? Really? Who in real life turns down that much money because “happiness” is more important?

Well, apparently, we do. We had an opportunity to move back to Montana this year and eventually take over part of a multi-million dollar business my grandfather started in 1951. My dad is pushing sixty and we were excited for the opportunity. Besides Fleetwood, my dad owns a lighting company called Energy Efficient Group, the big water park in town, a burger joint, several casinos, and recently donated $1 million to a new baseball park. Money was talking and we were listening. Sure my husband would be working more, but he’d be making more money! We got caught up in the six figure income and a 3,500 sq ft house. I would be lying if I said my mind didn’t wonder into thoughts of housekeepers, vacation homes and Coach purses. I love helping people in need and thought of all the lives we could change! Most importantly, I would get to raise my girls around my mom; a person I love and respect more than any woman in this world.

As certain events began to unfold, and the drama began with my dad, our lives turned upside down. I was not myself. Ray was stressed at work. The kids could sense the tension. Ray and I both became more and more uncomfortable with the thought of leaving our safe haven of Boise, Idaho. I grew up in Billings, Montana, in the line of fire, and in the midst of the dysfunction that I now call my childhood. Did I want to risk my girls being exposed to the socially impaired and morally devoid way of living I once accepted as reality? Was it worth the potential risk of turning our family upside down? Could we put a price tag on the sacred anatomy of our family?

Although no music was cued, we did talk it over, and although it has been one of the hardest decisions of our lives thus far, we realized that our home is here. The drama and unpredictability is not worth taking a chance on. Our girls are well adjusted and their lives are full. Our family make-up cannot be bought or sold or jeopardized. Someone else can have our six figure income and 3500 square foot house. We don't need it. We have everything we need right here. We will spread our roots and continue doing what we are doing: The right thing.

Sledding

2010-02-03T13:17:00.008-07:00

We finally managed to take the girls sledding and they had a blast!

Sadly, living in Idaho, the snow usually melts the same day, so we got out early in the day.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love these two?

Have a Little Faith

2010-01-21T17:02:00.003-07:00

With my irreplaceable childhood under one arm and four severed hearts in his hand, he left without looking back. I was eleven, a child, and his flesh and blood. He left behind an intricate network of lies and disregarded promises; the only tangible evidence he existed besides the obvious broken cabinets, shattered phones, and my broken-hearted mother left to pick up the pieces.

With two mortgages on our house, my mom went back to work and school full time. I grabbed my childhood- or what was left of it for that matter- and placed it ever so carefully onto a tidy unbound shelf; naively secure in my belief that it would always be there. It was time to grow up.

I kept a diary during this time and it pains me to read it. There are bits and pieces where I see a normal eleven-year-old girl with crushes on boys, concern over grades, and sporadic outings with BFFs. Overall, I was angry, confused and scared. I can see now that I just wanted to be loved; to be a kid. The feelings in my journal remained unrevealed, masked by smiles and humor. I tried so hard to be strong, but finally broke down crying in school because I was afraid my dad was going to try to kill my mom again. I gave up birthday parties and play dates because I had two little brothers at home that needed me more. I did the best I could, but I was no replacement for my mother. She was left with no choice but to go back to school and work full time to make ends meet. Looking back, we shared the weight of the world on our shoulders; a weight much greater than either of us was capable of carrying.

Over the years, I have gone back in search for the childhood I foolishly believed would never perish. There is simply a ring of dust in its place; symbolic of time I cannot get back, I am at peace with this part of my past. There are still lose ends that need to be tied, and pieces missing from the puzzle, but they are segments of time that are better left untouched.

Today, in this moment, we (hubby and myself) are face-to-face with issues in regards to my dad. The potential impact is immense. I am angry and confused, but unlike the eleven-year-old girl who had no control over her situation, I am not scared. I read somewhere the other day that fear and faith cannot exist simultaneously, so I am choosing to have faith. I believe life will unfold the way it was meant to, and although the situation sucks, in the end it will all be ok.

A good friend wrote to me, “In a few years, my hope is that you will look back on this experience with gratitude for all it taught you.” This is my hope too; that I will one day look back with the same insight and appreciation I hold for my parents’ divorce.

For the record, and as I wrote this, I stumbled across my long lost childhood. Turns out it wasn’t lost after all. It just took on a different appearance, in the form of two very beautiful little fairy princesses.

Presley's First Post........

2010-01-19T21:42:00.002-07:00

Pretending to type like Mommy..............

"bjkbjjnjnnjhiiiiiiiiiiiiii2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222666666666666"

Wii Suck at Bowling

2010-01-10T13:55:00.004-07:00

And by Wii (we), I mean my husband and myself. We decided Pres was old enough to give the old Wii bowling game a try. We didn’t think she would do very well considering she’s only four, but what the heck right? Ummmmm she beat me! And no, I didn’t let her beat me! She almost beat Daddy too! She was lining up the ball and getting strikes and spares. We didn’t help her once. She bowled a 134 her very first time. I'm not a very good 'loser' but in this case I knew I had to set a good example ;) Go Presley!!

Lining up her throw

Her victory dance

(she was getting a little cocky towards the end of the game)
Right down the middle

One God... Many Roads

2010-01-09T13:01:00.004-07:00

I grew up going to church. I went to church camp in 5th grade (where I accepted Jesus into my heart so I could go to heaven) and even went to a Catholic high school. I’ve read and studied the bible. I believe Jesus walked the earth. I pray for health and strength for my loved ones. I’ve dabbled in everything from Buddhism to Gnostic Christianity to mysticism to yoga to astrology. It’s not that I am looking for answers. I believe all the answers we need are inside us and we can create a private ritual of going inside ourselves, asking our questions and listening to the answers that will arise. I just find it fascinating to know what’s out there and how all these religions came to be. I don’t believe Christianity or Buddhism or Hinduism is the one true religion. I believe in God, but he/she/they are not the all-knowing, judging and contradictory God from my childhood. Organized religion is not for me, but I do know there is something much greater than myself out there. I have faith; lots of it actually. I have hopes and dreams and goals. Despite the fact that I swear, wear tank tops and have an alcoholic beverage now and then, I have strong morals and values. My truth may not be your truth, and that’s ok.

I am not trying to bash organized religion. It has gotten some of the people I love most through some very trying times and I am thankful for that. I don’t judge it, and I am grateful they had something to believe in. It’s just not for me. I’ve struggled in the past about not bringing my girls to church. I think what it comes down to is that I’m afraid to bring them to a place that could inevitably protect them from having their own spiritual experience. Even though the same God from my childhood rears his head, criticizing my parenting and condemning me to the depths of hell, I know at my core, this is not the God I want my children to know and not the God that exists in my life. The Mormon religion is dominant in Boise, and I’m not willing to be a part of an establishment that recently donated $5,000,000 (some estimates are as high as 20 million) to help ban gay marriage and fight equal rights when there are people starving and children dying every day in this world.

I’ve wished out loud for open-minded spiritual centers where I could bring my family and we could evolve together; finding our own truths and not being judged for that. I think one day that wish may be a reality. More and more people are opening their minds and going back to the roots of spirituality. I’ve talked to Presley about her soul (Frosty the Snowman actually started the conversation with his ‘jolly-happy’ one.) and about being a good person. We emphasize how to become aware of all your thoughts and actions and how they might affect others in all you do. As the girls grow, we will emphasize compassion and free-will. I’ve told her what her daddy and I believe and she understands as much as a four-year-old can. If either of my children ever asks to go to church, I will take them. I want their spiritual journey will be exclusively theirs. I will support them in their spiritual growth and do what I can, but I cannot make that decision for them.

My mom broke away from organized religion and found her own truth a ways back. This is when I began searching for mine. I remember her saying, “It doesn’t matter what you believe or how you get there Rachel; the point is that you have something to believe in and hold onto when you feel like there is nothing else left.” What I realize now is that what my mom said is part of my own truth. We all need something to keep us hanging on. When we are at the end of our rope, and our heart feels empty, we all need something to push us through and give us strength and meaning. We all need faith in something bigger than ourselves whether it is Jesus, Buddha, Mother Nature, Allah, Lakshmi-the four-armed God from the Hindu religion- or simply trusting the Universe. This is what I want for my girls. I want them to believe in something, so that when they feel as if they are hanging on by a thread and the world has turned against them, they keep hanging on.

It's All In The Stars

2010-01-08T12:38:00.006-07:00

Astrology to me is fascinating. The word astrology is derived from the Greek words astron meaning 'star' and logos which means 'word'. Astrology therefore, literally means the "language of the stars". Astrology is based on an ancient law: 'AS ABOVE, SO BELOW'. So basically, astrology says that the same laws that guide the universe also guide humanity. We are not separate from the universe - we are a part of it. Its energies are our energies, and we must therefore work in the same way that it works. It is an astrological assumption that if we learn to look above for understanding, we will come to understand more about ourselves.

This is my birth chart. I got it done when Presley was a baby and just listened to the tape again. Even my husband was blown away by the accuracy of my birth chart. A birth chart is a map of the heavens at the precise moment and place of our birth. It was a wonderful feeling to listen to it and be aware of myself. It did not tell me anything I didn't already know about myself deep down, but it simply put a name on what I already knew. It was actually mind blowing to here Corry interpret my chart.

1) All the planets were in 1/3 of the sky when I was born and two of my houses were loaded and included the moon and sun. This is rare. She’s seen it only a handful of times in 16 years.

2) My second house is loaded. The second house deals with values, inner strength, and talents. This house also symbolizes our strongest desires, and the manner in which we meet our obligations. Basically, she told me that I tend to feel things on a deeper level than most people. My emotions and heart rule my decisions. I’m concerned with doing the right thing and helping the underdog succeed. I have a great deal of personal power that I will use to better the world. I am very intuitive and sensitive. Making something of myself, and growing as a person is of the utmost importance. I have a Scorpio moon. The moon is our emotional side Scorpio moons are extremely passionate and have a magnetic personality. Pluto is also in my second house. Pluto is considered one of the most powerful planets in astrology. Pluto in your second house indicates that over many lifetimes you are being driven to learn self-sufficiency and to stand on your own two feet. There is also a tendency to be obsessive with food. People with Pluto in the 2nd house have the power to uncover deep, hidden motives about the need for security in all its forms.

3) My fourth house is also loaded. The fourth house rules the home, our family as a child and as an adult, the nurturing parent and our early experience of being nurtured, our most personal and intimate life, real estate and property, and our heritage and ancestry. As she said, I have a strong need to keep family together and feel connected to my past. I am charitable...sometimes to a fault. With the sun in the 4th house, she basically said my dad was crazy (wow! Bulls-eye) Communication is important to me and I have a strong desire to write or speak my truth. Neptune is in my 4th house which normally gives you a father with a past/recent substance abuse problem and several issues that affect the life of the person whose chart has a sun in the 4th house (another wow!) According to my chart, my father was/is self-indulgent and may have been a nebulous and confusing person who seemed to "dissolve" on me when you need him.

4) My challenges in life deal with balance. She said I probably chose my parents to help me learn that life lesson. (For the record my parents are like oil and water. Night and day)

5) This was my favorite to hear and so right on the money! The two lines that look like a funnel that goes to the 9th house is my outlet to the outside world and how I will channel my gifts. This is the house of teaching (I have my degree in teaching) Chiron is in my 9th house. It is not common in the 9th house and when it is there it can do magnificent things. For my chart it reflects the archetypal energies of the shamanic wounded healer and teacher that potentially lives within each one of us. Chiron’s placement in the 9th house of a birth chart typically appears to reflect a wounding we have received in childhood. The wounding was generally done by someone close to us, like a parent... someone we thought well of and trusted. (WOW!) Basically, she told me I have deep wounds that I have brought into this life to be healed –and by healing myself, I will then in turn, be able to heal others. “Those healed become the healers.” A person with Chiron in the 9th house will feel obligated to turn any pain they have experienced into something that will in turn help others….aka a wounded healer. This house also rules dancing, which I was in for 13 years.

6) Mars is dead center in my fifth house. With Mars in the Fifth House you are likely to exert your energy and initiative in actively pursuing a rewarding love-life, social amusement and pleasure in general. You have a likeable, competitive and flamboyant temperament. There is a desire for creative Endeavour like writing. Your children will probably be an important factor in your life and much pleasure will be derived from their spontaneous affection, companionship and development. Fathers of children who have Mars in the 5th house tend to make and lose money rapidly.

What A Scream

2010-01-06T15:46:00.002-07:00

Carsyn is a screamer lately. She loves it because it gets the dogs riled up and makes mommy pretend to pull her hair out! (After about 10 minutes of the screams I am not pretending anymore.) She also falls off the chair at the end. She was sooooo tired and went down for a nap immediately after the fall.

A Belated Christmas 2009 Post

2010-01-04T06:23:00.014-07:00

My husband grew up in an amazing family. If you ask him, he would not change one thing about his childhood. He may even get a tear in his eye describing the sacrifices his parents made for his sister and him. He loves how he was raised and the values his parents instilled in him. He grew up in family that refrained from buying new cars in favor of yearly family trips to Hawaii. His mom stayed home until he was in junior high and his dad picked up side jobs to ensure family vacations and fun extras. His parents still live in the same house he grew up in. They’re amazing people, and I’ve learned so much about life and the person I want to be simply by being around them. They would do anything for us and vice versa. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to lose focus on what really matters, and being in San Jose for Christmas affirmed to Ray and I that we are doing the right things; with each other, and with our own family.

This is part of why we had an amazing Christmas this year. We both agreed it has been the best Christmas we have ever had; not just as couple, but in our entire lives. I will never forget it as long as I live. It was a culmination of everything: the gifts, the food (oh the food!!!), the festivities, the kids, the people, and the awareness; an unspoken affirmation that “this” is what life is about. “This” being family. Presley had the time of her life playing with Owen (her cousin who is 3 months younger), and Carsyn-although super clingy to me- had a blast as well.

To the kids, it was just Christmas but fifteen, twenty, thirty years from now, I hope my girls can look back on this post and see much more than the pictures or even my words can possibly support. I don’t have picture of my mother-in-law making homemade gingerbread cookies and frosting for the kids. We were not here to witness her weeks of mindful shopping and perfectly executed wrap jobs, or see the boxes of Christmas decor being hung up. So much goes on behind the scenes, and it’s all done for the kids. My father-in-law joked, “I get the paycheck and she does the shopping.” He says this knowing how much it means to have the whole family together. It's not about the money, but being together; creating memories and enjoying one another.

One guess as to where Carsyn's frosting ended up?

The kids frosting cookies
These two goofballs were inseparable. The kids at our favorite Chinese restaurant
Cleaning Grandma's Windows
Carsyn and Stephanie
So proud of her new snow suit

The goofy cousins :) Presley and Owen decided it was much more fun to say "waffles" than "cheese" for pictures. I cannot tell you how many pictures I have of them like this.
Grandpa helped Presley outside to put the reindeer oats (oatmeal and glitter) by the pool. Presley insisted on putting them by the pool so that the rein deers could drink water if they got thirsty.
Getting ready to play a game with Great Grandma

My Silly Santa Baby
Riding Rides at Gilroy Gardens

Time for some hot cocoa and cider. I'm a Montana girl and can handle the cold pretty well, but even being in California, it was freezing that night!

Trooper: noun (troo′purr) Anyone who exhibits EXTREME perseverance,fortitude, and tenacity without complaint.(example) Freezing and lacking a hot Baily's and coffee, my father-in-law was still a trooper the night we went to Gilroy Gardens.

Carsyn loved the rides!!!!

The picture does not do the lights justice.

Such a pretty sight.

Christmas morning in San Jose ..........

Carsyn got the hang of it towards the end

Pres at Great Grandma's house

Carsyn making an attempt

Because every "Great Grandma" needs a new flat screen :)

Presley got he zhu zhu pet she asked Santa for ;)

Be Here Now

2009-12-31T20:06:00.003-07:00

As I watched the girls play this morning, I had a familiar yearning to stop time. I wanted to be “Mommy” forever. Pushing the inevitable demotion of “Mom” out of my head, I longed for the moment I was in, even as I was in it. I wanted toothless grins, footed pajamas and an uncompromising belief in Santa Clause to last forever. Suddenly changing diapers seems glamorous and The Littlest Pet Shop toys strewn across the house harmonized perfectly with the sticky Dora sippy cup tipped over on the kitchen floor. It’s all too perfect. I’m not ready for pierced ears, rowdy boys and curfews. Shit! I’m not even ready for Kindergarten. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. How do I handle my children growing up?

My thoughts shifted to a future deranged image of myself driving one handed and swallowing handfuls of valium and doing straight shots of tequila to cope with Presley’s first day of Kindergarten; lacking a shower and any sense of identity I once had. Joey McIntyre is singing “Please Don’t Go Girl” and I slur along as tears roll down my face. Her teacher is hugging me and assuring me everything will be alright. I break away kicking and screaming as police try to detain me. I watch my baby girl being swallowed alive inside a giant elementary school. Child Protective Services is waiting in the wings to snatch up Carsyn, convinced valium and tequila alone could not have caused my psychotic state. I read the paper the next morning. My mug shot rivals Gary Busey’s.

Before my mind brings me to a place where my girls are both teenagers in matching gothic outfits with pierced lips and a cigarette, I snap out of it. I force these thoughts away and hone in on the present moment; a moment I am proud to be a part of because- pure and simple- I am with some of the people I love and respect the most. I’ve created the life that I have always dreamed of and am wasting these precious moments getting wrapped up in the labyrinth of time. I feel frustrated that a concept so simple, such as time, can prove to be so complex in my mind. My mom always told me that until you deal with something completely, it will always be a presence in your life. This lesson of living in the moment is one that seems to rear its head constantly in my life.

Today, I’ve realized more than ever that life is about the present moment. That is all we have. Time cannot be stopped, but by inhabiting the present we can make life so much more meaningful. This year has flown by, and looking back, the moments that stick out are the ones I entered into with an open heart and visible appreciation for the people in that moment with me. Tomorrow is a new year and although I never make New Year’s Resolutions (well ones that I stick to anyways) this year I am vowing to be in the moment more and spend less time getting wrapped up in an intricate battle with time.

29 Forever?

2009-12-30T07:47:00.003-07:00

We live in a society where aging is a dreaded occurrence among women. We yearn for smoother skin, perkier breasts, and the naïve youthfulness we once possessed. You hear women talking about being ‘twenty-nine forever’, as if turning thirty somehow transforms us into a boring run-of-the-mill adult no longer capable of our once careless disregard for consequences. There is an underlying and unspoken acknowledgement that upon turning thirty we will have it all together; that life somehow falls into place perfectly and we have all the answers to life’s most challenging questions.

This year, I feel myself embracing my age; content with the person I have become and at peace with my accomplishments thus far. By no means am I one year away from having all the answers, and that’s OK. Leaning comes with age, and the more I learn about myself and the world around me, the better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend I can be. I’ve grown a lot this year, and I’m thankful for being another year wiser. I'm also convinced that turning thirty next year won't be apocalyptic. I don’t want to twenty-nine forever, but for today feels pretty good.